Gophers, Beer and American History






“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  

This is a famous quote from Ben Franklin. A man who was one of the founding fathers of this great land. But with great wisdom and insight like that then becoming a “founding father” is pretty easy. Also it is great ideas like that can only come out from the minds of great men. This is the reason you never heard of country having a “founding mother”. Well except for France. And nothing more needs to be said about that. Other than, “If we save your ass this time. Please promise you will not drop pants for the Germans ever again!”

This country was founded on the idea of the "pursuit of happiness." Many men understand this. They know the history of why men came to this country. It is now time for a little light to be brought to the alternative history of this country. The history that has remained quiet.

It all starts back in Europe around the 1600’s. There was a group of men who had a hard enough life as it was working the land as farmers. Everyone was telling them what do and when and how to do it. These men had a life of hard work in an unmerciful that produced nothing more than turnips and potatoes to eat. But luckily they were able to grow wheat, barley and some hops.  And at the end of the day they able to find some water and a keg to produce 'Miller Time!!' It was a great way to relax. However, at the end of the long days there were wives wanted more. Quality time. Which even cavemen figured out was that the time was spent not on quality or at the least sex but on doing the things that only she wanted to do. Namely arts and crafts. The men want nothing to do with this. So they had to think. And drink and then think some more. And how would they say that they were true men. They needed an activity that had blood and guts. It was those types of activities that made a women want to go away to somewhere else. How would they find it? Hunting. But what would they hunt? Cows were way too easy and deer were too hard to hit. The point was to get away and kick back. Thus they came up with their new nemesis. The little rodent that hides well in the ground. The Gopher. It was a perfect plan. All they had to say to wives was they had to go into hills on the weekend in force to get they little furry terrors where they lived in the hills. They could stop them there before they burrowed in to the crops. The Gopher was a good enemy to pick because all men know nothing scares the crap out of a woman like a rodent. (Men think this is funny because to the rodent most women look like Godzilla to them. In fact some women really do look like Godzilla. But now is not the time to get into that. This is a history lesson. Not a science lesson on beer goggles.) It was also a good idea to pick an animal that lived underground so one could lie about the kill count because no one was about to dig for the evidence. So all they had to do was grab a gun and a few beers and go away for the weekend. Nothing keeps a wife away better than the dirty outdoors and the sound of rifles being fired. However, they all loved a man who would put himself through this unpleasantness to protect the all you can eat from the food source known as the farm. After time and this practice got sold big time on the women. The men would work the fields waiting to get back home. Then when domesticated happiness was over and that is usually about five minutes after he sat down in a chair. All he had to do was yell out the window, "Gopher!!!" and grab his things and run. And moments later he would be joined by the other men. The men knew it was a matter of moments before they were away and could kick back with good friends and good beer. The women would gather and feel proud they had such men who would drop everything and go defend the land for pesky rodents.

One day one of the men's wife made an interesting observation. "If you need a gun to hunt the gophers then why do you need to bring the beer? "Everyone one knows that alcohol and firearms are a bad combination," she said. There was intensity in the air. Was the gig up? Then her husband step forward. More tension.  He said, "That of all the baits they could use, beer for some reason worked the best." Even more tension now. She replied, "Really?  I would never have guessed." Yes! She bought it. Thank God she was such a blonde. Thus the Gopher Hunting went on.  In time the men knew "Gopher" sounded more like "Go For" which became short for "Going to hills to drink some beer!!!". It was no coincident that the Gopher was picked.

In time the rulers of this land not only want more tax money but the right to tell you what to do them what do with their free time. That meant going to church. And one man realized that was a bad idea. Thank God he had some foresight because football had not been invented yet. So they all packed their things and got a boat for the unknown land. All it meant was they may die without finding a thing but it was a lot better than this shit.

They found the new land but it was 5000 miles of nagging on the boat ride from their wives. How they got on the boat for the trip is still a mystery to this day. There they set up new homes and farmed the land. They were not stupid so they planted the wheat, barley and hops first. The rulers were not there to nag but the wives were. And one day the men were looking across this new land and saw the magnificent hills. It was wonderful. A chance to start anew. Then a nagging wife was heard and the mood was ruined. The men looked and winked and yelled, "Gopher!!!" and went running to the hills. The wives were upset that the problem had followed them. But were happy that their men knew how to handle this dilemma.

In the hills they meant some new men who were on a similar hunting trip. They were to become known as the Indians. The men shared a beer with them. And they started the tradition of the drinking buddies. The Indians said they too had a tradition. Once a year they had a big hunting trip and threw a big feast to celebrate it. They also gave thanks for all the previous hunting trips. They called it Thanksgiving. The Indians said that this new men were kidding themselves to think they were the only ones who invented "Deviously bullshitting the truth to women." However, lucky for them Gophers really did exist in the new land. A point they had forgot to research. In other words this was the first "pulling one out of the ass" recorded in the new land. They also said this feast would give them plenty of energy for the weekend. In other words less food to carry more room for beer to be carried.

And this became part of the American tradition. The founding fathers knew of this and when they got a chance to write the rules, they made sure it was protected. And they called it the Right to Bear Arms. They knew if guns were outlawed then they would have to come up with a new reasons that would allow them to go out into the woods and drink beers with the guys. They knew you always had to be prepared for the Gophers. And so the tradition went on.

So for next 100 years the tradition lived. And then the 1960's happened. And so did pot. Pot made men full of themselves with all of those politically correct arguments and the ways of the old were no longer good. Those Animals were now people too and should no longer be hunted. So it was time to say, "No" to meat and guns. It became known as being very unpatriotic. And the people being about as uncreative as our forefathers and could not think of a new line for the times. If those pot smoking hippie would have grabbed a gun and six pack and went for the hills looking for the Gophers they would have discovered the truth. All the men in the hills were kicking back and drinking beer. The Gophers were safer than ants at a picnic. The only shots were at the beer cans to make it sound good for the women at the bottom of the hill. But no they had to smoke the pot and lose their family jewels. However, somehow these "men" sold their idea and the new breed of hippies was born. And they would get the Clinton/Gore ticket elected. If ever there was a reason to grab a gun and six pack and head for the hills. But that is another story. And a really messy one to start an argument about any ways.

History and tradition do not have to head right down the toilet. Regardless of what Pat Robertson and your wife, your girlfriend, or mom says. The good old ways can be saved. Who wants to really look for a rat on steroids any ways? Who really wants to hear an overgrown firecracker? OK. But who has the money and the waiting period to get one? So what! It is time to go for the woods and drink beer. And think there will be no more nagging wife or girlfriend or both. And unlike your forefathers no fields to attend or revolutions to start in order to obtain this right. Low maintenance means more drinking time. But then it will get back into that beer goggles talk. This is a discussion for a later time. And the whole beer goggles is one big messy argument any ways. Why invite more stress into your life?

So now it is time to say, "Gopher!!!"

And bring back a sense of tradition that this country needs. Because if you have watched any news reports this country is in great need  of return to tradition. And even bigger need to kick back and have relaxing cold one.

And put things into some perspective.

(Authors Note:  This article is meant in humor and should not be taken too seriously. If at all. You should know. You just read it. And who would take something like this seriously any ways.)