My mind is wandering without a compass


And without a road map. So things are going to get a bit interesting.

I suffer from many things. Too much free time being the biggest. Along with an "Abby normal" brain function. It all leads to thoughts that are on the interesting side. Given enough time, my mind will wander to the outer limits of strange. What causes this to happen? I am not sure. It could be the long car trips listening to Creedance Clearwater Revival, Sonic Youth, Frank Zappa and Beastie Boys CD's. Yes, that is strange and eclectic mix but it is real awesome one.  Or is watching as much of Cartoon Network and Jerry Springer Shows as I can to avoid any complete sense of reality. If I ever had one to begin with. It is all just one complicated psychological mess. And let me put the emphasis on the mess part.

What I do it is I look at all of the strange happenings in this world and wonder. I wonder: Why?

And from this point it all begins. The thoughts. I want to know the reason why things are they way they are. I also think of how things could be different.  I am more than willing to take the time effort to see these out ideas out. I will then share the knowledge I have found with everyone regardless of sex, age, color, creed or intelligence. And further more. I will make this promise that if I figure any these things out or I am able to implement their practice then I will let everyone know it for free. That's right. Free. It is my gift to the world. (Play along I am trying to remain humble). Completely free. I will not bother testing my idea on a bunch of completely innocent not to mention cute, mice.  There will be no high priced advertisement campaigns. No celebrity endorsements.  No sponsoring of athletic events. No talk show circuits. How then? I will send out a simple e-mail. I promise no attached files with so you will not think some I sending you an e-mail virus or some other type of hoax. Trust me.

So here it goes. The thoughts I had from my latest amount of free time.

The following is a list of these thoughts, ideas, questions and new practices about life in the world (and they are in no particular order):

1.        Get a restraining order issued to me by super model. Talk about the ultimate breaking up letter. And then I will go back to the normal ways of my bizarre life. I do not have the time to be a stalker and I definitely do not have the gas money to do it either. This one might be a problem. They sure do not give them out for anything.

2.        Get abducted by aliens. (I know. You are pretty sure this has already happened) That would be one great road trip. I will try to avoid the anal probe by saying I will throw in for "beers" at the next gas stop. I am sure I will not be able to take enough with me. How do you say in alien: While your beaming me up do not forget the beer delivery truck I parked on the other side of the bushes?

3.        (A continuation of #2) Why does aliens visiting this planet have to be a sign of a great advanced society? Taking a long trip to see a place with a people constantly at war is not such a great idea. Are the aliens trying to show how much more advanced they are? Or are they showing the fact that they cannot book a good tour package either?

4.        Earn the Nobel Peace prize for successfully negotiating an end to the martial arguments of  the toilet seat position and remote control operation. Simple: What goes up must go down. And you must be more intelligent than the equipment you operate. So until then you cannot have it.

5.        Determining the chemical substance in grease that makes the people working behind the counter at any fast food place lose at least 20 IQ points. And is that grease in the fryer or in their hair?

6.        Run for public office on only one campaign idea. That idea being, "At least I am not an asshole like my opponent is." That is all I have to say. I am sure someone will argue this platform. That is why I having them all placed in the home before the campaign starts.

7.        I would require that all drivers taking the road test have to do any one of  the following:

a.        Try changing the radio

b.        Talking on a cell phone

c.        Yelling at the quality of the other drivers' abilities on the road with you

d.       Drink a beverage or consume a sandwich or both

e.        Wonder where you are and where you are really going

f.         All of the above. At once. During rush hour. (This one is a mandatory requirement)

       This would reflect the "true" driving conditions.

8.        Why are the products that will completely "revolutionize" my life only available at 2:00 in the morning from a television infomercial? And if I am up at that time, there is only one good reason why I am in the first place. I'm drunk.

9.        What is the secret pheromone scent that the human body produces that draws dumb people to congregate together?  Usually in the "7 items or less" line at the supermarket. It is not like the number "7" requires them to remove a shoe in order to do the math.

10.     All family reunions would have an outside referee.  And all major bouts would on "pay-per-view" basis. I think must people would rather watch that crap from safety of their own home. Preferably a home that is far, far away from it all.

11.     There has to be a place that has no room what so ever for Jell-O.

12.     Start the "Wave" during the State of the Union address. Something has to liven up this wind driven event. Or maybe getting the beach ball bouncing around.

13.     Determine the membership in the secret group that is conspiring against me. This is not out of paranoia. Because there has to be some type of organization out there. I refuse to belief that all the bad things in my life are nothing more than sheer bad luck. I cannot belief that the great odds against me are nothing more than a random act.

14.     Shake the Pope's hand while holding on to a "joy buzzer". I am not trying to be sacrilegious at all. I am trying to prove that no matter what, that everyone does indeed have a sense of humor. And why should the Pope be above a good laugh?

15.     Why is it the only the crappy songs are the ones that get stuck in your head? And why can't I stop myself from humming to them?

16.     Why is called "adult entertainment"? Why does it make me feel so immature watching it? Not that I am a regular viewer of it. Just now and then. And more out of sense of curiosity then anything else. This is my story and I am sticking to it.

17.     Proctologists should be crossed trained in psychology. They are very use certain physical flaws. And there are certain personality defects that are referred to in the same way.

18.     E.S.P. would be a very over-rated ability. It would make everyday seem like a "re-run".

19.     I would like to be able to have a nickel for every dumb thing I do. That way I could afford not to do dumb things to begin with. If that is not the case then I would at least have the capability to get a lawyer to get me out of my own trouble.

20.     Small cars should have the option of having a truck horn installed. It would scare many of unsuspecting drivers.

21.     The super power to out run a speeding bullet or to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound is kind of pathetic for everyday use. The power to be able to put your hand through the telephone and smack the idiot on the other end, now that has practical everyday use.

22.     Corn is the truly the "magical" vegetable. Any vegetable that can reconstitute after it has been supposedly chewed up deserves to be called "magical". See you can learn something from looking down every now and then.

23.     What is the mathematical equation than proves than more is "more" than enough? What is enough equal to any ways? They say the basis of the university is mathematics. I took mathematics in school and the basis of math comes down to the fact that I do not "get it". In that is true in many other things in this world.

And finally….

24.     This is a free country where you can choose to do anything you want you to be or do. Then why is it people spend their days trying to the same things that everyone else is doing? If people choose to be doing other things maybe some lines would get shorter instead of tempers.

These are the thoughts that appeared in my mind. How they got there is a good guess. I do not know how either. They may have gotten in there while I was looking the other way. I just do not think they are in there by purely natural causes. And trust me they are not the result from the use of recreational pharmaceuticals.

Once again, this is my story and I am sticking to it. Unless you can absolutely prove otherwise. (This offers is not valid to any family, friends, co-workers or anyone else who is a complete stranger to me.)

Coming attractions

The published results of my court-ordered psychological observation.

(Hey! There is room for Jell-O. And I have been meaning to catch up my on finger-painting. Do-it-yourself ink blots.)