This  modern man's 

           self awareness


                                                            A   Lonely Monologue


                                             (because some days I feel like I am talking to Myself)




How did this all happen ? 


Wasn't it yesterday that thought was the today that was suppose to be the future was so suppose to be grand ? I know it sounds weird but it is called rambling for a reason. That's what the brochure I got said. I think. But I lost my copy of it.


I am at the age where I should have been a big player in life. Especially my own.


Instead, all I can think about while I am laying on the floor of my apartment is…..Funny, I don't remember painting that spot on the ceiling. But I guess that is another subject left to be answered in another more "adult" forum. Better yet left to a professional.


I feel like Bill Murray did at the beginning of Stripes. Such a classic movie (Let me add this quick point that Bill Murray is the patron saint of the truly modern man for that movie. He is pathetic and down on his luck but in the end but in the end can do it all and be so lovable) He was at that point he knew he needed to do something drastic. I know that feeling so well. However, I am not dumb enough to go and join the army. I was dumb enough to go and become a temp worker though. Looking back on things. I should have joined the army looking back at it. At least I would have had something to shoot back with. But that is yet another story for another forum. Like therapy. Preventative maintenance.


The jobs that I have are those types that have one purpose. To pay bills. While waiting for that moment. You know. That moment when all of the lowly crap you have done over the years to make it to that point. The jobs I have had over the years have made me feel bad in a way. It is like this.  Because of me taking these low grade jobs, out there, somewhere, is a monkey out of work. I feel bad. But then again I am beginning to grow fond of the taste of the bananas.


I went to college to get the "dream job" I was meant. College was the "Golden Key" as stated by my high school guidance counselor. In fact, if you want to save money for education then eliminate all the guidance counselors. I do not  know about you but I have never heard any one give the credit for their success to a guidance counselor. College degree was to be the homing beacon for the good jobs. I graduated college and they only groups who seem to know I am alive are credit card companies and long distance phone companies. Who call every day to check in. Usually around dinner time. Maybe I watched one too many X-Files (along with too many other shows) but I think they are a part of a government conspiracy to monitor where people are, how much money they have and who they are talking to. But without college I would never have accumulated all of those "I was so drunk that I even _______(Fill in the blanks)" stories.


I know I should have gotten past the point of where using alcohol, a blindfold and a dart board as way to make decisions. It does keep things on the interesting side though.


OK. Your right. I am bitching a little. But I have to. I can't afford a lawyer to do it for me. And I would not know who to sue for it any ways. So I will just have to accept my role in this mess.

Especially, since it is mine.


So you ask. What is my dream job? Because I do have a dream. Please don't laugh. Wait until I turn my back. Please. Here it is. I HAVE A DREAM. My dream job is to be the water boy for the Swedish Bikini Team.   What do you mean? The Swedish Bikini Team is nothing more than an advertising gimmick? You mean a beer company would misrepresent something important like this? Great. So let me ask this. Where have I been sending my resume to all these years? Will they refund my $20 fee that I have been sending in each time to help speed up my resume? Well, I had a dream.


Why do I need a dream? Simple. To get my parents off my back. As they say, "A good job is just the beginning." Beginning of what you may ask? Settling down. A.K.A. Acting my age.  Mom keeps pointing out the fact that most of my other friends have done it. This is coming from the same person who spent my childhood yelling, "IF ALL OF YOURS FRIENDS DECIDED TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF...WOULD YOU DO IT TOO??!!" I am not ready to join the "Dark Side" and sound like my dad on every long car trip. It goes like this. "IF YOU KIDS DON'T CUT THE CRAP THIS MOMENT I AM TURNING THE CAR AROUND AND WE ARE ALL GOING BACK HOME!! NEXT YEAR I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO TAKE A VACATION ALL BY MYSELF!!". Believe me the thought of that is making me cringe too. On top of all of this, I do not have any "clock" telling me it is time to behave like this. And I am not about to wind that sucker up either.


No, dream job at the moment. What about the dream girlfriend? You mean there is a nymphomaniac who owns a bar that would be willing to put up with me. In other words, I have a low batting average in that category too. A girl like that is probably on the "bikini team" too. As a girl I knew once said, "It sounds like more fun than it truly is and real women are not like that."  She also said women are not coded that way. However, she was not willing to pass along the female code book so I can figure women out. Talk about a potential best seller. I will have to settle for Victoria's Secret catalog to remind me what they look like. Alright. What I wish they looked like. So I guess I will keep my lawn chair in left field for now. Because we all know that is love that makes the world go around. Not really. Advertisement makes the world go around. Sleek promotions make a crappy thing look desirable. So I guess I need a better promotional campaign for my life to attract that special girl. How about this? TRY ME AND BEAT THE CHRISTMAS RUSH. ITS GOING TO BE THE HOTTEST ITEM THIS SEASON!! Nobody said it had to be honest. And what can you say about an idea with a two drink minimum. OK my campaign needs a little more help. So sad to say. And then some.


I guess I have ranted a little here. Raved? Not really.


You may ask if I have come to any final conclusions or solutions to the whole mess.


Not at all really.


So I have to sum it all up for now with this thought.


To be continued.