There will be a lot in this post so let me get to it.
MUSIC: I wanted to use the song When Something Stands for Nothing by The Headstones but I could not find the clip. So I am going to go with Deep Purple for this one.
UPDATE: I am still dealing (and not that well) with my computer issues. MEMO: To Microsoft. The next Windows operating system you design please include a “WTF” function that would solve problems and other issues quicker and easier. Just a suggestion.
But let me get to the post.
“To Be or Not to Be” might be the question we all secretly asked of ourselves. In this modern age it would probably translate into something like “What it is now and what it was then.”
I have been listening to a lot of podcast from This American Life during the day. I have listened to one quite a few times over the last couple of weeks. It is entitled ACT V. It tells the story of a group of inmates who are performing Shakespeare’s play Hamlet. The story shows how these men used to play to understand what brought them to prison and where they go from there. They are trying to rectify the conditions of their lives. They need to come to terms with the catalysts of their lives. And how their lives have changed along with the catalysts for their lives. I believe we all do this secretly with ourselves from time to time. I do not want to imply that I in some sort of prison. I do spent a lot of time on my own. This is the honest truth when you are left on your own. You are with your truest ally and at the same time your worst enemy. Along with a lot instant replays. And no referee to moderate it all. It really is not pretty at all. As it says in the Ozzy Osboune song I Don’t Know.
What’s the future of mankind
How do I know, I got left behind
Everyone goes through changes
Looking to find the truth
Don’t look at me for answers
Don’t ask me - I don’t know
I realized I have just quoted Shakespeare and Ozzy in the same post. Somewhere in cyberspace is an academic who will stumble upon my site. And he will not be that happy. I have just “dragged my fingernails across his mental chalkboard.”
I am trying to be a writer. I am not sure if I am getting through though. My writing it seems has not achieved “critical mass.” It is not easy being a writer (whatever that means). I am always struggling with validation and acknowledgment. But from what I have been reading that is the case with most writers or creative types. (This premise is also in the book Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life by Steve Martin.) It is easy to prove validation with a paycheck. (It has yet to find my mailbox) Nothing says that you are acknowledged like a trophy for the fireplace mantle. (I can’t afford a house with a fireplace right now. Paycheck has not come yet.) Besides people seem to only acknowledge what they approve of. So in other words I have not found my “audience” yet. I am struggling to find the balance. I came to this passage in book Get in the Van by Henry Rollins.
The initial inception must be pure. All energy must be put to use. The end must never leave your sight. Complete destruction must be had. You must maintain drive that goes beyond obsession, beyond purpose, beyond reason. Every movement must be in the forward direction. When in the woods, seek the clearing. The path shines so bright it’s almost blinding. When you work within your confines, when you realize your limitations, that’s when you break through them. You have to know what you’re made of. If you don’t take that step, you’ll never know what the fuck you are after. While they flail about, you will remain calm in the knowledge you possess strength from within. With every breath, you destroy them. The straight line. It borders on insanity. People tell you that you’re crazy or brainwashed to be doing what you’re doing and to be doing it like this. You can’t listen. If you listen to them one bit then they will pull you down. Even if they’re telling you that you’re great, you can’t listen. The more they tell you that you’re good, the more you have to let it go. They will fuck you up and take your eyes off the trail.
I know this quote will come off as a bit harsh. You create. You write. You have to do it for yourself first and foremost. But you also want some idea, some dialogue, somewhere to let you know someone is paying attention. Everyone has a story to tell. And everyone struggles to find a good listener. (Check out the movie Freedom Writers)
But as comedian Lewis Black said in the opening of his book Nothing’s Sacred. “I have tried to give you the dots that somehow connected until I became who I have become. Keep your eyes open and don’t be afraid of the darkness. You are not crazy. They are.”
In the end I have no choice but to go forward. I have to put pen to paper. Fingers to the keyboard. Because what choice do I have? Being who and what I am.
And I have gone on enough for this posting. And Shakespeare said that all humor is based on pain. So let me end it here with it is not easy being green.
here.