I do not want to go into the particulars. But I just want to say that I do not do so well this time of year. It is a long and twisted story that I would rather not tell here. I think it has to do with the fact that there are too many benchmark events close together. If I could avoid this time of year I would. Let’s say. If there was an experiment that required a person to be locked in a biosphere with no contact in order to study the long term effect of watching paint drying, I would sign up to be the “guinea pig”.
My story would combine the following books: War and Peace Leo Tolstoy, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey (to add some levity to the story). For those of you who do not read books (because you cannot) then combine the movies Bad Santa and Apocalypse Now (updated Redux version).
I have been (and always will be) looking for something to inspire me to write. I also need to “goof” a bit. I need to ward off the effects and aftermath of what is called “Tis the Season”.
I know I rally against people who drink a beer because of its marketing campaign. My favorite beer of choice at the moment has a “gimmick” that made me want to write a few ideas out. Yes! I am not above the influence (but in this case I was bit under the influence) of the marketing forces. Each bottle comes with a question on the back. It is one of those “if you had to choose” questions.
So here is what a low B.A.C. and just a little too much free time lead to.
Question #1:
To turn water into beer –or–Anything into Gold?
This ability would be the quickest way ever to start a mass cult following. My life would achieve a whole new way of “J.C.” without the “H” living. The way most labor in this country is performed on weekends in this country is by the promise of beer in exchange for labor. And I know I could get things done. Call it “the beer can on a stick” initiative. However, my work force would look like something out of a zombie movie. The downfall is I would use this power at the most inappropriate time to be determined later. The ability to turn everything into gold though would attract the “gold digging whores”. Then I had a twisted image of Pussy Galore (best Bond woman name ever) being killed by being spray painted gold in the James Bond movie Goldfinger. (But then I checked it was another girl who died this way in the movie. It is the idea that counts here. And remember that beer drinking lead to this posting) Then I had the demented thought of killing “two birds (in this case one “cat”) with one stone”. What does this mean? Let me just say it is a “dirty thought”. So I am going with water into beer and hoping my “moral compass” turns up or at least points “right”.
Side Note: I am developing my “Pizza and Beer” economic recovery plan in my spare time.
Question #2:
To always make the right decision –or—Always have a way out?
If I could do the first part then I would lose a major reason to drink beer in the first place. Guilt. The secret ingredient that makes religion work all so well. Have a beer. The second part of the question is good reason for a beer too. Success. That does not need the use of a law firm. Cause to celebrate. Have a beer. Homer Simpson says, “Here’s to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life’s problems”. That statement is Brilliant. On this question I am going to have to go with the coin flip because either way works. He could have been a Founding Father like Ben Franklin who said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” I wish politicians could say much profound statements like this. I would be happy and more eager to vote. The answer for me to this question is to always have a way out. An escape plan is always a good thing to have to assure personal survival.
Question #3:
To be stuck on a desert island with a supermodel –or—A boat builder
Why does ever label have to be “an either or” decision? Why cannot be both for once? Why is there always some moral dilemma when vice goes up against survival? In this moment, why does an angel appear on one shoulder and the devil on the other? In this case, I want both. This question does have more to it. The truth is the only way I would be “stuck” with a model is through highly improbable odds to begin with. And even higher odds to be with one on a desert island on top of it. So with these high odds in play then why can’t she have boat building as a hobby? Why can’t the character of Kate from the show Lost exist for real? There is much more to this question. And besides I have a lot more analysis on the reality behind the premise to question. Like the following. I hope the island is a small one. I have a feeling that every day she would want to play “hide and seek” for real. And it would involve a lot of running. But more like chasing. It will not be like Gilligan’s Island. I have other thoughts on this one but I am going to stop here.
But let me add a word of advice before I go. If you find yourself spending a lot of time within your own “head space” please do not watch the movie Field of Dreams.
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