Death: The Last Chance for a Laugh

I know I am about to walk a very fine line with this posting. WARNING: If you are overly sensitive to anything then STOP reading now.

Here are two influences on how I will attempt to approach this all so fun topic. I have been listening to Sam Kinison’s album Live From Hell. The late Sam Kinison was a comedian who took his material to the edge of the cliff. And from there he jumped off into the abyss. The other comedy album is the latest from Christopher Titus entitled Love is Evol. It mainly focuses on his divorce. The material he admits “…will fix your relationship. Or destroy it. Either way. You’re welcomed.” I really enjoy how he makes fun of things that are not meant to be funny. He had a sitcom many years ago on TV and I still find the pilot episode “Dad Is Dead” to still be one of the funniest  and most honest thing I have ever watched.

MUSIC: Nick Cave with Kylie Minogue (Bob Dylan cover)

I recently had to go to a memorial service for a brother of one of my friends. His death was hard to come to terms with in some way. However, it was more of inevitable event too. I know we are all going to die. In his case, he was definitely dialing down the clock. He had a long history of substance abuse problems and combined with mental health issues for a lethal combination. Look. It was bad. However, if the last things you get in this life are a toe tag and a case you have statically speaking made a lot of bad decisions. God finally took some mercy and made sure he could not make any more bad decisions. I found it ironic that his memorial service took place at a bar.

I have a bad habit of thinking about funny ideas at the wrong moment. And I was not going to let the situation stop me. Death is funny. I made a joke at my grandmother’s funeral. My grandfather had died about 35 years before her. Here is the joke. Why do husbands usually die first? They want to. I also said my grandfather from beyond said, “So much for the promise of everlasting peace.” Here is part of my last will and testament for the Internet. Someone out there will do this for me. If I die of natural causes I want my last public appearance to be a cremation/BBQ. I want to hear, “In the end he cooked a very good burger.” If I die in some tragic way (Not that I want to) I want the irony incorporated into the funeral. If I die in a car wreck, I want the urn with my ashes strapped on the hood of a car and entered into a demolition derby. Or. Mini urns on radio controlled cars and let my friends have a demolition derby of their own. All I ask is that they be respectful. No betting please. If I should die by drowning the post funeral luncheon must serve seafood. If I die on a golf course in a rainstorm because my caddy says, “the heavy stuff isn’t going to come down for a while.” then the service will be at a miniature golf course. Whoever gets the ball in the clown’s nose at the end will get my ashes. In the event of tie, the winner will be determined by via a fist fight. I find it potentially ironic that people will have fisticuffs over me at the end. I want people to look at the irony and laugh at it. No one ever fought over me when I was living. In life, I was basically treated like an unwanted bowl of Life cereal.

There is way too much to cry about in this world anyways. If you are not crying, then you do not have a 401k plan.

I keep hearing women saying that “a sense of humor” is very important. Yet none them ever list that in their personal ads.

There was another part of the memorial service that gave something to think about. In the end, people are still complex. I found it strange we were at a bar. It seemed like his friends were meeting out of a vice. I had looked at the deceased through his vice for many years. It was strange that this group started with a prayer. The sinners and saints were trying to co-exist. They acknowledged that he had vice but they knew him a different way. They were trying to look more at his virtue. Even if it was hard to find at times. He was a good carpenter many said. He was trying to a better person but his vice was more than he could handle. Here is another thought on the memorial barroom. Even Jesus Christ had to serve some “drinks” before he had to face the cross. In this case, it was beer and chicken wings. Buffalo Style Last Supper. (Also late night snack. And there is a petition to get them classified as breakfast food too.) The deep fryer is surely dialing down the live expectancy of the Buffalo area population. At least it tastes good.

The other aftermath of any funeral is you end of taking mental stock of the relationships in your life. I now realize why society pushes marriage on to people. It is not about having children or wondering who will call 911 for you in the retirement years. It is about finding the body. If you live with someone chances are you will not be rotting and leaving a stink for a few days. When the police come there will be someone there to answer the door. And that person will be the “prime suspect”. The statistics show you have a higher chance of being killed by someone you know. (Especially a love one) It takes time to find suspects when there is no one next to the body. Time is money. And even the police want to spend it doing other things. Marriage or some form of a committed relationship is how the system starts building the case for your untimely demise. So society is subtly telling me it is a time to partner up with a woman. But I have one critical flaw. I am a “Bad Date”. It goes something like this. And I will spare you an example of how pathetic it can be at times. Yet, somehow still funny at the same time too. You have just read what I have been thinking in my head. I find it funny. She will always be telling me “It’s NOT!” We will argue. There may be a body. (Probably mine) And thus I will become a part “circle of life”. (Theoretically) Single. Become committed. Then I will be strangled in my sleep. Love: the feeling of your body becoming room temperature. The cycle is complete.

All I can say is God does have a sense of humor. I wish I would stop being crucified for spreading the Word.

Yes. I have life insurance. Why are you asking? You want to be a suspect? I find it funny that you think you will be the one to collect.

Let me end this posting from the “Good Side of Bad News”. (Hopefully these guys return someday with new updates)

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