I DO NOT ENDORSE THE PRODUCT IN THIS CLIP. It is just a metaphor for a bigger idea in this post.

I reference that clip to emphasize that beneath it all there is a thin layer of bullshit to it All of the news outlets have experts on and do not have any real debate with them for the most part. The questions are set ups for them to spew their “facts”. It is more of a sales pitch for whatever book or DVD they are shilling. It is kind of like this scene from Good Will Hunting.

The problem with so called experts is that they give off the sense that their knowledge came solely from “Divine Intervention”. And so you had better not questioned the “Divine” a.k.a. “Them”. They do not want to let you know that like everyone else it was rounds of “trial and error” that lead to success. No one ever hears about testing trials of WD 1 through 39. Or the poor bastard who had to test Preparation A through G.

Here are three people I have been listening to over the past week. It is their stories that have influenced the framing for this post.

1. Mike Birbiglia’s story of his awkwardness in trying to get his first kiss as a young boy. It was told in an episode of This American Life . (Go to about 9:35 mark for the start of his story.)
   
2. Henry Rollin’s misadventures in traveling as told in the story, Eric the Pilot Also his story called, “The Undoing of a Man” which is on the CD Live at the Westbeth Theater. It is a story about his lacking any real idea about domestic living in the house he had just purchased. (Sorry no direct links available)
   
3. Kevin Smith’s handling of criticism.
   

    

I do like going hiking through the woods. I also like trying to learn new things from time to time too. And right now it is geocaching. Yes, I am using billion of dollars in satellite technology to find Tupperware bowls hidden in the woods. I recently got hold of a GPS unit and it came without the instruction manual. This is a metaphor to my life’s existence. There have been so many things in my life that I have had to figure out on my own. “Being lost in the woods” is nothing new to me. Plus I am also a typical genetically wired male and the last thing I want is to be caught looking at an instruction manual. So I am trying through “trial and error” with this GPS unit to figure out how it really works. The results at this point have been clumsy at best. There is a part of me that wishes someone would rip the unit out of my hands and show me how to properly use it. This notion applies to other aspects of my life too. But patient, reassuring teachers with a good sense of humor are few and far between. (I really wish someone else would make the sandwich for once.) I also realized another thing while I have been stumbling through the woods with a GPS unit. That is. I am not as prepared as I think I am. I have done geocaching before with others and did have success finding caches. (But I am going to spare the details of the “Jeep Incident”. I will say just say when going offroading that needs an outboard motor and ends up needing a tow truck with a long winch there is a problem. And contrary to the opinion of those who witnessed the “Incident”. It was not my fault!) I have gone out on my own twice so far. I downloaded the right coordinates. I studied the maps. And so far my score is 0-2. I searched and searched with no luck. And I thought each cache had been lost and posted that to the website. I thought the owners of the caches may want to check them out. Here is the rough part for me. Right after I had posted my lack of finding. Others posted they had indeed found the cache. Here is the kicker. They had found them on the same day I was looking for them. The lesson is that I cannot seem to find things on my own. And this has broader implications on my life.

I know I am into many esoteric things. I will always be for the most part too. The problem will always exist with this lifestyle is that the “allies” will be few but the “enemies” will be in mass. This is the scorecard I am playing with and against. I came up with this analogy of my single/singular life. Alone and going about in a public setting, I will for the most part always be seen as someone who is “wearing a hockey mask”. The lone man will always be seen as something to fear. People will always be trying to figure out if I match the latest release of the police sketch artist’s rendering. And they are at the ready at the first sign of trouble to hit the Emergency Alert System. It can be awkward for me on my own at public settings. My people watching habits tend to come off as a bit creepy. It makes me seem like a potential stalker. With today’s gas prices I am not about to take that up as a hobby. And besides I do not have the time to dig a pit in my basement. But I do have a bucket of lotion. But the lambs are never quiet.

It is hard to find people to do things with. Most of my friends are now married with children. (The worse of STD’s) And this has changed their openness to new things. They are always locked into Alpha male status mode. They need to protect their clan no matter what. Nothing unknown can get through their perimeter. In order for it to get past the defenses and allowed in, it first must get the “dog treatment”. It must be thoroughly sniffed out and then pissed on before it can be allowed to stay within their territory. And everything being done must have a defined purpose to it. Otherwise, it is just nonsense and therefore a waste of time. The idea of any type “experimenting” triggers their parental alarms. They need a Kid’s Menu option ready at all times. I cannot say it is a bad thing. It is just their nature now. And like so many relations they only seem to coexist to degree with Holiday events on the calendar. What does this all mean for me? I need to make adjustments to the parameters of my social being.

Heckle needs a Jeckle.

	Metric – Gold Guns Girls .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

A sudden urge results when a situation develops around you. However, at the same moment you are not prepared with the right tools to handle the urge. You know. A good looking woman. The stun gun holster is empty. Catch a chipmunk. Duct tape is empty. Have to blow Chunks. The dog, Chunks is back at home. The Swedish Bikini Team lands in your campsite. And you are in the midst of re-enacting a scene from Deliverance. If they would have radioed ahead you may have just waited. You get the point. It is frustrating to find yourself in a situation you can’t resolve they want you would’ve wanted. You can only imagine how the moment would’ve played out had you been in deed prepared. In your mind, you would have executed your game plan with perfection.

An urge can have a positive (Aaaah!) or a negative (Ugggh!) result. It all depends on what you want to achieve. It also depends on whether you are overcoming a challenge or to have an excuse to explain. This experiment can be observed in a bar on any given night.

Now on the specifics of what influenced this post. The other day, on lunch break I had to run a few errands. I needed to also get lunch during this time. So I stopped at Sub shop chain that is found about every half mile. It was about 12:30PM. As the woman behind the counter was making my sub. A loud mouth and soon to be revealed idiot walked in. And wanted to know why the breakfast menu option was no longer available. He could not accept the explanation and became ridiculously argumentative. I was on the clock per say and this idiot made it way too far in life not to know what fucking time it was. I had to make a quick stop at a drug store after work that day too. One item. In and out. At most a two minute mission. Little did I know? I was about to be proven overly optimistic with my game plan. The drug store’s name states “Right and Helpful”. So I grabbed the item needed. There was a man at the counter ahead of me. He had quite an amount of items he was purchasing. The cashier totaled and bagged the items. She gave him his total due. And he just stood there doing nothing. Then he told the cashier he was waiting for his wife who was still shopping and she had the money. I stood there and just gave him an “evil stare”. And yet he felt no shame what so ever. A few minutes later, the wife came to the counter. She had a fully loaded cart and a bunch of issues with that week’s sales flyer. I just stared at them. And still no sense of shame from them. The problem with trying to use Jedi Mind Tricks on idiots is you need to have a brain to be able to target on. People like them and the other guy should only go out in public if they are wearing helmets. Because people like them give me an urge. And one of these days, I may just be prepared by carrying a baseball bat. I would then be able to play the Human version of the “Whack-a-Mole” game. For once I want to feel amused for having to be around people like this. Plus, “I’ve got mad hits like Rod Carew.”

However, our society for the most part cannot act on its sudden urges for the most part. Society for the most part would completely fall apart. Even worse than how it appears on the evening news. Can you imagine everyone taking turns on the Maury Povich Show waiting for the DNA test results?

They are going to be bringing back the cartoon, Beavis and Butthead. This may make some people think that society is going down hard for the count. I think we need stupid characters to point out the greater stupidity of it all. And hopefully, have a laugh or two from their observations.

It has to start somewhere.

Someone needs to bring back the fun. Someone needs to bring the “Weee” back into this WeeeTarded world.

1. I have said this before and I am beginning to realize that the mentality is spreading. There is more and more information available to anyone. And it is not hard to access. But I think people want to be dictated to rather than discover things for themselves.
   
2. The Uncle John Bathroom Readers are great source of knowledge that will be only useful in irrelevant trivia games. And they .help pass time on the dumper.
   
3. Desire to try Squirrel Fishing.
   
4. “The Dilbert Principle” by Scott Adams. He states that they only true source of renewable energy is stupidity. And when we learn to harvest it then the energy crisis will be over with.
   

A few weeks ago, I went to watch someone get a tattoo. I want it known that I HATE needles. Needles are what stopped from having a heroin habit. So it was a big thing for me to see there while someone had needles applied to him with the same sound as a dentist’s drill. It was amazing I did not pass out or run out of the place. I just do not understand why you would want to have a tattoo to begin with. However, I am not going to stop anyone from doing it. But I do believe you should provide a mental exam on what you want and where you want it on your body. It is just not for me. I am moody enough and I could never settle on a design to be permanently on my body. I also had another revelation about the meaning behind tattoos. And this is what I realized. I have never had a person or event in my life that I would want immortalized as part of my body. And if I did. I still will NOT get a tattoo.

I have read several times Chuck Palahniuk’s collection of stories Stranger than Fiction. Some examples were the story of small town that has a demolition derby with combines, people who built their own castles and the author running around town dressed in a dog costume. The major premise about the book is it is about people who are trying to connect to the world through what is perceived to be “strange ways”.

I have also have found myself lately being fascinated more and more by the psychology (or lack of) in sports. I just read Sports from Hell by Rick Reilly. In the book, he follows and sometimes participates in what many would consider just plain stupid. Examples from this book include chess boxing, ferret legging, jarts, drinking games and baseball. The part that I found was that people who take part in these events are happy about it. They have a chance to compete in something and experience the thrill of being cheered on by others. These sports also had a history behind them. It was there but many of the people could not quote specific reference about them.

Strange ideas (or in this case sports) had to start somewhere. Someone came up with an idea and was able to sell the idea to others. And sell it to point where they were willing to get up off their ass and actually do it. In the book, Brain Droppings by the late George Carlin called this guy the “Primitive Sergeant”. In early days of man, he had to come up ideas and sell them to the tribe. He had no research to back up the idea but he had to make it sound good. What did he come up with in order to assure a good corn crop? Virgin sacrifices. Talk about a “leap of logic”. Virgins do not get a good reputation in 80′s teen movies and most religions. Many religions proclaim virgins as being of “purity” However, they end up being the first ones sacrificed or beholden to lunatics. If virgins want to survive just a little longer in this life the message is “get it done” and the sooner the better. But then again when it comes to sexuality and religion there will always be trouble. Especially if a naked woman is involved. And it started with Adam and Eve. Adam provided the first documented case of a “man acting like an idiot”. I know. He did not have to “bite the apple”. That was not the problem. The problem was he actually listened and believed Eve when she implied “Don’t worry about it”. AND he was SOBER. But then again she was probably also shaking her breasts in Adam’s face as she was convincing him to take that bite. Logic and entertainment have always been in conflict since day one. And the reward was being kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Adam then had to think about the future. He needed to find food and shelter. He also needed to make sure the next time there was trouble with Eve that he needed to have excuse for his behavior. And finding alcohol was added to the list. This is also why men became genetically wired not to listen to women. Finally, MILF porn is another example of “purity” vs. “actuality”.

Remember someone hundreds of years ago sold the idea of the “Baby Drop” as being a practical health option for the children.

There is a very thin line between what you view as being fun. And what others might consider a sure sign of mental illness. How it is received all depends on the proximity of a lawyer, an insurance agent or your Mom. Mark Twain said, “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” Nothing drives people into a sense of “righteous crazy” then the actions of others. The problem is most of time these two groups will NEVER be in the same room together. I remember what a reviewer said about one of the Jackass movies. He said it was not his type of fun. But he found it was a good documentary about a group of guys who were willing to come with stupid stunts. And they were even more willing to actually perform the stunts. This movie celebrated their unique bond with each other and it should be viewed within that context. I have to agree. And to be honest, the movies made me cringe and laugh at the same time. This is a relief compared to listening to politicians who when I watch them just make me cringe. These are the ones who truly deserve the protest. The Jackass guys are willing to stand behind their words and stunts. Politicians spend too much time back tracking on what they have said. Saying they were taking out of context. MEMO to all politicians. Thanks to the Internet we now all have a copy of what you said and we will play it back to you. MEMO to all parents. Which group is more honest of these two groups? Which one that deep down you think your kids should be watching? But then again I do not have to live with either one of these groups. So my judgment should be the final call here. But I am making suggestion. They are not on my insurance policy.

There used to be a tradition for first time campers when they are young. However, today it is considered hazing and can wreck a young child’s esteem. It is called the Snipe Hunt. It is where you make some believe there is a stupid and elusive bird that needs to be hunted down. There is an important lesson to be learned from this exercise. You need to know how to detect when someone is bullshitting you. Even Frasier on Cheers came to this revelation.

It comes down to it at the end. There is a difference between “stupid” and “ignorance”. It is called a laugh track.

	thick brick .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

But I did find a reason for becoming a parent.

As Forrest Gump noted, “Stupid is as stupid does.” So I follow you Dad.

Why can’t I hear the laugh track?

I have heard you should start you day with prayer.

And this is one that I tried to say. But first thing in the morning. This one had way too many words. It may be better translated into grunts and moans. But that dictionary does not exist to make that translation.

But here it is. Please bow your head. I may be a smart ass. But that does not mean you cannot show some respect here. Someone has to.

A COFFEE PRAYER – Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal™: For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks®: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Juan Valdez forever. Amen.

(I ignore the cream and sugar part for they do not apply to me. I take it Black. –Insert your stupid juvenile joke here–(More))

But lately, my prayers have gone unanswered. The coffee needs to be stronger in the morning. I need to find the brew that is borderline an illegal drug to kick start my morning. Any suggests. Please! Please! Let me know. I need the equivalent of “jet fuel”.

I wish I was a person who did not need coffee to start my engine in the morning. I wish we could have a vote on which time of day really should be called “morning”.

I am not a morning person. It is not easy for me to wake up in the morning. Every day, starts like it was the feeling of “morning after” for me. That feeling of guilt and shame from the night before. The guessing work of what may have happened. Why? Who was she? Hopefully, there was not a police report or a YouTube upload. Sorry. That is another problem all together.

I have a friend who is one of those “bouncing-off-the-walls-happy-it-is-morning-people”. He likes to remind me of my supposedly unhealthy need to start with coffee. NOTE: He drinks decaf. ANOTHER NOTE: He can be a real asshole about things too. He reminds me that he does not need to coffee to come alive. I tell him that he is very wrong on that. I tell him he needs coffee to stay alive. This is my quote. “This 16oz coffee is the only thing that is keeping me from sending you into afterlife by very violent means.” So there! Coffee is a health food.

I also made another observation about coffee. And more specific about coffee cups.

There are two types the mug and the paper cup. And each represents two different types of people.

The mug (Or as I call it my “syringe”) shows a person who is prepared with the right tool needed for the job. Dependable. And cost effective. In other words, if I need coffee then I must have a mug ready. I am prepared!

Then comes the infamous paper/Styrofoam cup.

This shows a person who is on the run and does not have time to waste. Time is money. The downfall is the paper/Styrofoam cup itself. Not because of all that environmental shit. It is the advertising on the cup. Where that cup was purchased shows a person perceived place in society’s economic hierarchy. The advertisement on the cup is a way of determining your pretentiousness. There is perceived difference between coffee from Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Tim Horton’s, Mc Donald’s and a convenient store. It is just another way to pass judgment. Another way to buy in.

So which type are you? And it had better not be decaf.

	Black Flag – Black Coffee .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

This posting is the first to appear under in a new category on this blog.

In order to be able to create real and interesting characters you have to pay attention to the details of their lives. I remember hearing a podcast about what they teach in a class for baseball umpires. The first thing was on how to remove your protective face mask while keeping your cap on. You see the cap represents your authority. If you lose it while taking it off the face mask it appears like you have lost some type of control. There was the famous story about the band Van Halen not wanting to have any brown M&M’s backstage at their concerts. It seems like a prima donna rock star type of request. The reason was the band needed specific technical items for their concerts which they laid out in the contract. They knew if they saw brown M&M’s in a bowl then promoter had probably not read the contract. And there was about to be problems for the band.

I mention these things because they are the small details about a person that can be made into interesting characters. In order to write better characters you have to notice the small details of their behavior. Character (or characteristics) is what really make their actions seem believable. What am I mentioning this? I have been going back to basic with the writing. There is an exercise in which you just do people watching and try to write scenarios based on how they go about doing things. It is really amazing to quietly watch and listen to others without passing judgment on them whether you agree with them or not.

I have been making a lot of notes lately on these observations. I will post them from time to time in this blog category.

However, I have to be fair to start. If I am going to be writing about others then I have to also at times point the “looking glass” at myself too. And if I really did not want the attention then I would not be writing a blog. Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”

Fashion and being practical are two separate issues. They have nothing in common even though people try to force them together without a lot of success. I will never be a fashion icon. But I do have a trademark when it comes to clothing. I like it to simple and practical. In my case, it means economical and easy washing instructions on laundry day.

I have always been a quiet person. In college, for the winter months I wore a camouflage Army field jacket. It was warm. It was affordable. However, would never be in “fashion”. And that was the problem. I wish someone would have told me. No one is going to approach the quiet person wearing an Army jacket while wearing headphones listening to the music I like. I was basically dressed like mosquito repellant.

I guess I should have been able to write a better Manifesto. I should also been a better engineering student. That way I could have really delivered the fireworks.

Like this guy.

I know many of my friends at the time were hoping that sketch artist rendering would be close enough for them to get the reward money.

Guess who the prize was for once.