Some Assembly Required

Let me give you the starting perspective to this posting.

I just finished reading Denis Leary’s new book, Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid. And I just watched the following clip of his to attempt to get into the “mood” of the season. And right now I have more than enough “mood” to go around.

I try to keep perspective of myself. And it is not always an easy exercise. I know that people out there have more issues and problems than I do. I also remember the lesson that “You should not judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes”. True. But I can only write about the journey of “my shoes”. I like to take walks in the woods from time to time. I like taking photos of what catches my eyes. Like the picture here. I also leave the MP3 player at home. These walks from time to time help when I get caught way too much within my own “head space”. But right now they are not working all that well. I need to do things that give me a moment to attempt to be outside of myself.

MUSIC: Gnarls Barkley (This song comes from their amazing St. Elsewhere album)

I am also trying to come to terms with being a Buffalo Bills fan. I am becoming aware that being one maybe causing “a disturbance in my force”. The Bills will break your heart in more than one way it seems. I am more of aware of this after last weekend’s lost to the New York Jets by way of last minute fumble. The Bills this year seem to be able to “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory”. In doing so they brought back the yearly thought by fans of “maybe we will be better next year”. Will this team ever get beyond the memory of “Wide Right”

I seem to going through my own battle with a potential failure. I own an apartment building and I have tenant moving out but he is doing through terms of the lease agreement. He was a good tenant to have. On Monday morning, my other tenants in the lower apartment informed me that they were moving out Jan 15^th and without paying. My real estate rental agent is aware of the problem and is working quickly to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, I have a feeling I am going to end up in claims court with these tenants. I have had to make quick money adjustments to get through the winter and several projects are going to have to be delayed. There are a few things I wanted to do with the website that with have to be delayed. That pisses me off. I know one way to deal with my “head space” issues is to write but right now home is not a good space to be. I find myself walking around my apartment giving the middle finger to the floor. I am also avoiding the trouble tenants and letting the agent deal with them. I know myself and I am going to say something I am going to regret. Right now home is not the place I want to be. The writing is suffering more than I want it to.

I really wish when I decide to focus more on the writing and that I did not have to deal with other people’s bullshit. Sadly, it is bullshit I have no choice but to deal with.

I am going to say this. If you are going to act like an irresponsible asshole and think you should get a pass on it because it is “Christmas Time” then I am going to tell you to “Go Fuck Yourself!” And then I should be allowed one free punch right in your face. It does not matter what age, race, gender, creed, political, religious belief, etc. you are. There are people who deserve to be punched. And hard. I know this country is in the midst of serious challenges. I do not care which political party you subscribe to. This is what it is going to come down to. The responsible people are going to have to take on even more responsibility in order to overcome the irresponsible people of this country. And those irresponsible people are going to have to learn why they do indeed “Suck!” Sadly, you can’t fix stupid.

I am trying to maintain some hope in humanity. So tonight I am going to watch the classic movie To Kill a Mockingbird. Gregory Peck’s Academy Award winning portrayal of Atticus Finch is example of what more people should aspire to be in this country. This is the type of man there should be more. There was a reason why this role was voted by the American Film Institute as the “Greatest Movie Hero of All Time”.

I have also counter balanced this movie with my yearly anti-Christmas movie for the upcoming December 24^th. This year will be “B&B” Eve. “Bourbon and Bombs”. The movie being seen will be the dark comedy classic Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. This is the late Stanley Kubrick’s humorous look at nuclear war. Peace on earth may only be achieved when there is a lot less of people around to screw up the peace on earth. There are times when I too want to ride that bomb down along side Slim Pickens in that memorable moment. You need to sometimes be a bit over dramatic to get people’s attention.

I also got an early Christmas present. A new grindstone. But this one came with a coffee cup holder.

I am going to work over upcoming weeks on my sense of humor. They say laughter is the best medicine. In that case, many years ago when my friend was having cancer surgery and I was in the waiting room. Why did people look at me like I was an asshole for making jokes about him? I should have given all of them a medical bill for my services.

I am just trying to find the balance to the cosmos here. Or maybe it is over there.

I do not want to go into the particulars. But I just want to say that I do not do so well this time of year. It is a long and twisted story that I would rather not tell here. I think it has to do with the fact that there are too many benchmark events close together. If I could avoid this time of year I would. Let’s say. If there was an experiment that required a person to be locked in a biosphere with no contact in order to study the long term effect of watching paint drying, I would sign up to be the “guinea pig”.

My story would combine the following books: War and Peace Leo Tolstoy, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey (to add some levity to the story). For those of you who do not read books (because you cannot) then combine the movies Bad Santa and Apocalypse Now (updated Redux version).

I have been (and always will be) looking for something to inspire me to write. I also need to “goof” a bit. I need to ward off the effects and aftermath of what is called “Tis the Season”.

I know I rally against people who drink a beer because of its marketing campaign. My favorite beer of choice at the moment has a “gimmick” that made me want to write a few ideas out. Yes! I am not above the influence (but in this case I was bit under the influence) of the marketing forces. Each bottle comes with a question on the back. It is one of those “if you had to choose” questions.

So here is what a low B.A.C. and just a little too much free time lead to.

Cue the Music!

Question #1:

To turn water into beer –or–Anything into Gold?

This ability would be the quickest way ever to start a mass cult following. My life would achieve a whole new way of “J.C.” without the “H” living. The way most labor in this country is performed on weekends in this country is by the promise of beer in exchange for labor. And I know I could get things done. Call it “the beer can on a stick” initiative. However, my work force would look like something out of a zombie movie. The downfall is I would use this power at the most inappropriate time to be determined later. The ability to turn everything into gold though would attract the “gold digging whores”. Then I had a twisted image of Pussy Galore (best Bond woman name ever) being killed by being spray painted gold in the James Bond movie Goldfinger. (But then I checked it was another girl who died this way in the movie. It is the idea that counts here. And remember that beer drinking lead to this posting) Then I had the demented thought of killing “two birds (in this case one “cat”) with one stone”. What does this mean? Let me just say it is a “dirty thought”. So I am going with water into beer and hoping my “moral compass” turns up or at least points “right”.

Side Note: I am developing my “Pizza and Beer” economic recovery plan in my spare time.

Question #2:

To always make the right decision –or—Always have a way out?

If I could do the first part then I would lose a major reason to drink beer in the first place. Guilt. The secret ingredient that makes religion work all so well. Have a beer. The second part of the question is good reason for a beer too. Success. That does not need the use of a law firm. Cause to celebrate. Have a beer. Homer Simpson says, “Here’s to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life’s problems”. That statement is Brilliant. On this question I am going to have to go with the coin flip because either way works. He could have been a Founding Father like Ben Franklin who said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” I wish politicians could say much profound statements like this. I would be happy and more eager to vote. The answer for me to this question is to always have a way out. An escape plan is always a good thing to have to assure personal survival.

Question #3:

To be stuck on a desert island with a supermodel –or—A boat builder

Why does ever label have to be “an either or” decision? Why cannot be both for once? Why is there always some moral dilemma when vice goes up against survival? In this moment, why does an angel appear on one shoulder and the devil on the other? In this case, I want both. This question does have more to it. The truth is the only way I would be “stuck” with a model is through highly improbable odds to begin with. And even higher odds to be with one on a desert island on top of it. So with these high odds in play then why can’t she have boat building as a hobby? Why can’t the character of Kate from the show Lost exist for real? There is much more to this question. And besides I have a lot more analysis on the reality behind the premise to question. Like the following. I hope the island is a small one. I have a feeling that every day she would want to play “hide and seek” for real. And it would involve a lot of running. But more like chasing. It will not be like Gilligan’s Island. I have other thoughts on this one but I am going to stop here.

But let me add a word of advice before I go. If you find yourself spending a lot of time within your own “head space” please do not watch the movie Field of Dreams.