This posting is an exercise in trying to write something. Anything.

It is also an attempt to keep things in motion because when things slow down and stop that is when the trouble begins.

I have heard this too often from many different and unrelated people. My voice sounds like that of a person being pulled in hundreds of different directions.

I read the book Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk while ago and lately the tone of the book has been in my psyche. This is a book you should avoid if you have (particularly in this case) a weak stomach. But if you like to challenge yourself through reading something out of the ordinary then you should give this one a chance.

It is the story of a bunch of people who attend a writer’s workshop and are forced to tell their own story. And their stories are of heartbreak, lost and the defects of their own character. They are disturbing and at the same time compelling too.

 The thought process of my mind always seeks out sources of information (any source and any format) as an attempt to connect in odd way with the world at large. Look! My mind did not come with any set of operating instructions. At times it even baffles the Big Guy. I am always finding new sources of knowledge to put into my brain. I am trying to figure out if my current circumstances or my past experiences have some place of context in this world. For example (not really), there is one that I cannot go into detail because it is not completely my own to tell. And besides I was also told to shut up about it too. But I am trying to come to terms with it and it is implications. I need something out there to compare and contrast it with. Luckily, I have been listening a lot lately to comedian Doug Stanhope and his tale of “Bobbie Barnett”. (WARNING: Do not play this at work or with the kids around). It should also be noted that in times of stress I seek out humor. The more “twisted and odd” that it is the better.

I heard this from Dan Kennedy in his performance at The Moth. “My therapist told me, ‘When you go forward you will be intuitively able to handle what used to baffle you.”

I am just going to try to keep moving forward. But I have to admit. I am beginning to tire of feeling like I am constantly being “run over”.

And finally, maybe the past like the future is something we will never fully grasp.

	Johnny Thunders – You Can’t Put Your Arms Around A Memory .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

1. The following albums I have been listening to on a “heavy rotation”.
   

   Neil Young- Harvest and Rust Never Sleeps
   

   Pink Floyd – Animals
   

   Port O’Brien – Threadbare
   

   The Church- Starfish
   

2. Read the book The Checklist Manifesto by Atul Gawande. And I am currently trying to digest Self-reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
   
3. The Book of Ecclesiastes may be on to something by saying “It’s all vanity.” And also the price of knowledge on this world is you basically end up on your own.
   
4. I wish this was not a benchmark event year. But I need to beat the rush. I have been thinking about planning or writing out a “mid-life crisis” scenario that would be above and beyond what took place in the movie The Hangover. However, to do so would make it seem less than spontaneous. It would also come off as being staged and fake like that found in 99% of all so-called “reality” shows. Plus the paper trial would come back to haunt in any follow lawsuits over the event.
   
5. A quote from an episode of The Moth podcast. “You may have two different faces but you see the world through the same eyes”- Craig Chester
   

There are a couple of parks near where I work that I like to go to during my lunch break. Weather permitting. It can be at times a real good way to re-charge my internal mental batteries. That lately have been drained way too easily. When anyone sees me walking by myself in one of these parks they tend to have that look to their face. The look that suggests that someone I may look like that person they know as “Suspect”. And they tend to stare at me a bit longer make sure that I might look a bit like the lastest release made by police sketch artist. It does not bother me that much. It is just a by-product of people who watched too many horror movies about the “lone killer”. This is also made me think why solitary confinement is so effective. You are left with your best ally and your own worst enemy with no referee to moderate.

These walks are meant as a way to tempoarily to clear my head. Life can be hectic. I finally know why for generations there has always been a plea to “get back to nature”. If we could live like our ancestors. The reality is we can never live in nature on the same terms as our ancestors did. We have more knowledge about nature than ever before. We have mapped the whole planet. We know where the rivers run. We know what is on the other side of the mountain. We know how long it takes to get to the destination. Space and time in regards to travel is a better known and calculated number nowadays. There is better equipment available to us. A simple desk calculator has more power than all the computers did when man first landed on the moon 40 years ago.We look at the big map on the wall, synchronize our watches and we can see the journey ahead. It is when the journey begins that all the aspects and challenges come into play. So what does it mean? A lot of us need to chill out on the roads and at the airports.

Everyone at some point wants to strip down their life to its barest essentials. And that represents “being one with nature”. It is this notion with view with a sense of purity. However, this is where we can get a bit arrogant. Just because our intentions are good does not mean nature itself will return the favor. Nature is going to act whatever way it is going. Our status in life has no impact on how nature is going to act. It does look at a spreadsheet of people’s wealth before acting.However, people in their pride think they are entitled to act without regards to nature. Example, the animals are not here to sing us show tunes and dance with us in the woods. Walt Disney lied to you. You are on the menu along with everything else in the forest. Remember that.

The outdoors gives us a reason to turn off all the electronics that are now part of our lives. Pandora is not going to put all that shit back in the box for us. A walk through the woods gives a good excuse to be a bit introspective. Because we want perspective. There is a camp that I have been going to for about 30 years at this point. I like the program over there and I like the camp. But at this point in time both of them need a reevaluation of their role and place in my life. I do not want to eliminate them but I know they need to be reassessed. When I was younger, I promised I would never be one of those “old timers” who complains things ran better back in the days. As I was next to creek that runs through camp one morning. I began to think about how nostalgia can be a dangerous idea. Because nostalgia is always looking back in time. But time moves like the river. It goes forward on. At least, there is a place to act as some kind of marker on the trail. Where ever that may lead. At this point, I am no sure where the trail is exactly going.

“To get the answers to the questions. Then you have to accept the challenges”. – Jody Williams.

1. I have said this before and I am beginning to realize that the mentality is spreading. There is more and more information available to anyone. And it is not hard to access. But I think people want to be dictated to rather than discover things for themselves.
   
2. The Uncle John Bathroom Readers are great source of knowledge that will be only useful in irrelevant trivia games. And they .help pass time on the dumper.
   
3. Desire to try Squirrel Fishing.
   
4. “The Dilbert Principle” by Scott Adams. He states that they only true source of renewable energy is stupidity. And when we learn to harvest it then the energy crisis will be over with.
   

A few weeks ago, I went to watch someone get a tattoo. I want it known that I HATE needles. Needles are what stopped from having a heroin habit. So it was a big thing for me to see there while someone had needles applied to him with the same sound as a dentist’s drill. It was amazing I did not pass out or run out of the place. I just do not understand why you would want to have a tattoo to begin with. However, I am not going to stop anyone from doing it. But I do believe you should provide a mental exam on what you want and where you want it on your body. It is just not for me. I am moody enough and I could never settle on a design to be permanently on my body. I also had another revelation about the meaning behind tattoos. And this is what I realized. I have never had a person or event in my life that I would want immortalized as part of my body. And if I did. I still will NOT get a tattoo.

I have read several times Chuck Palahniuk’s collection of stories Stranger than Fiction. Some examples were the story of small town that has a demolition derby with combines, people who built their own castles and the author running around town dressed in a dog costume. The major premise about the book is it is about people who are trying to connect to the world through what is perceived to be “strange ways”.

I have also have found myself lately being fascinated more and more by the psychology (or lack of) in sports. I just read Sports from Hell by Rick Reilly. In the book, he follows and sometimes participates in what many would consider just plain stupid. Examples from this book include chess boxing, ferret legging, jarts, drinking games and baseball. The part that I found was that people who take part in these events are happy about it. They have a chance to compete in something and experience the thrill of being cheered on by others. These sports also had a history behind them. It was there but many of the people could not quote specific reference about them.

Strange ideas (or in this case sports) had to start somewhere. Someone came up with an idea and was able to sell the idea to others. And sell it to point where they were willing to get up off their ass and actually do it. In the book, Brain Droppings by the late George Carlin called this guy the “Primitive Sergeant”. In early days of man, he had to come up ideas and sell them to the tribe. He had no research to back up the idea but he had to make it sound good. What did he come up with in order to assure a good corn crop? Virgin sacrifices. Talk about a “leap of logic”. Virgins do not get a good reputation in 80′s teen movies and most religions. Many religions proclaim virgins as being of “purity” However, they end up being the first ones sacrificed or beholden to lunatics. If virgins want to survive just a little longer in this life the message is “get it done” and the sooner the better. But then again when it comes to sexuality and religion there will always be trouble. Especially if a naked woman is involved. And it started with Adam and Eve. Adam provided the first documented case of a “man acting like an idiot”. I know. He did not have to “bite the apple”. That was not the problem. The problem was he actually listened and believed Eve when she implied “Don’t worry about it”. AND he was SOBER. But then again she was probably also shaking her breasts in Adam’s face as she was convincing him to take that bite. Logic and entertainment have always been in conflict since day one. And the reward was being kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Adam then had to think about the future. He needed to find food and shelter. He also needed to make sure the next time there was trouble with Eve that he needed to have excuse for his behavior. And finding alcohol was added to the list. This is also why men became genetically wired not to listen to women. Finally, MILF porn is another example of “purity” vs. “actuality”.

Remember someone hundreds of years ago sold the idea of the “Baby Drop” as being a practical health option for the children.

There is a very thin line between what you view as being fun. And what others might consider a sure sign of mental illness. How it is received all depends on the proximity of a lawyer, an insurance agent or your Mom. Mark Twain said, “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” Nothing drives people into a sense of “righteous crazy” then the actions of others. The problem is most of time these two groups will NEVER be in the same room together. I remember what a reviewer said about one of the Jackass movies. He said it was not his type of fun. But he found it was a good documentary about a group of guys who were willing to come with stupid stunts. And they were even more willing to actually perform the stunts. This movie celebrated their unique bond with each other and it should be viewed within that context. I have to agree. And to be honest, the movies made me cringe and laugh at the same time. This is a relief compared to listening to politicians who when I watch them just make me cringe. These are the ones who truly deserve the protest. The Jackass guys are willing to stand behind their words and stunts. Politicians spend too much time back tracking on what they have said. Saying they were taking out of context. MEMO to all politicians. Thanks to the Internet we now all have a copy of what you said and we will play it back to you. MEMO to all parents. Which group is more honest of these two groups? Which one that deep down you think your kids should be watching? But then again I do not have to live with either one of these groups. So my judgment should be the final call here. But I am making suggestion. They are not on my insurance policy.

There used to be a tradition for first time campers when they are young. However, today it is considered hazing and can wreck a young child’s esteem. It is called the Snipe Hunt. It is where you make some believe there is a stupid and elusive bird that needs to be hunted down. There is an important lesson to be learned from this exercise. You need to know how to detect when someone is bullshitting you. Even Frasier on Cheers came to this revelation.

It comes down to it at the end. There is a difference between “stupid” and “ignorance”. It is called a laugh track.

	thick brick .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

But I did find a reason for becoming a parent.

As Forrest Gump noted, “Stupid is as stupid does.” So I follow you Dad.

Why can’t I hear the laugh track?

I wish people would take into mind that a news article or commentary is not necessarily a history lesson.

History is taught as a linear function of time. That one event leads into another and therefore time acts like falling dominoes. The benchmark events in history that are used in the textbooks are the greatest victories and crushing defeats. However, when you take some time to delve into any historical event you begin to realize that history is more like the “tangled web” Shakespeare mentioned. There is a “gray area” that exist between the victory or defeat on that event. That is where the story of the people involves takes place but is rarely noted. You see how history is formed by the people involved and how people are changed by history.
There has been a lot of talk over the last few years over what was in the intent of the “Founding Fathers”.

I read Founding Brothers: The Revolutionary Generation by Joseph Ellis The first thing, I learned is that the problems this country faces today were quite similar to the Founders. The second thing, I realize after reading this book is that my history lessons were incomplete on the events of the start of this country.

I was never taught the real reason for the occurrence of famous Alexander Hamilton/ Aaron Burr gun duel. I assumed since it involved the men who founded this country then it had to be a matter of great national importance that could not be solved any other way. Wrong! Burr felt insulted by the way Hamilton spoke about him in a newspaper. This was basically the first recorded example of we would call today “Biggie Tupac Thang”. Why is it if “words” cannot hurt us we spend a lot of time fighting back with the “sticks and stones” when we hear things we do not like? Here is the funny part, neither one of them had any intentions of shooting that day Heights of Weehawken, NJ. Two shots were fired and Hamilton was killed. The witnesses that day then spend a lot of time years later changing their minds about what they saw that day. This is America’s original “What Really Happened that Day on the Grassy Knoll Conspiracy”.

There was a great debate over the national debt. They had to figure out how to pay off the bonds issued as payment to the soldiers who fought in the Revolutionary War. They also had to pay back the foreign countries that financed our Revolutionary War. Sound vaguely familiar today? We have a history of big ideas and looking for creditors to pay for them.

They also knew that by not abolishing slavery someday it would result in the possibility of a civil war. However, none of them had the political will to deal with it. “INSERT HERE” any social or budget reform of today.

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were at one point good friends who laid out the foundation of this country. However, as they both served in various roles in the government it caused a rift between them. Neither one of them would speak to each other for many years. Yet in their later years they wrote many letters to each other trying to figure out what it all meant at the end. They both died on the same day July 4^th1826. Fifty years to the day they both signed the Declaration of Independence.

They were trying to find “Common Ground”. It is a nice change when people who seem to be the opposite can have a conversation. And then there are times that they can’t.

We need to get beyond this “INSERT IDENTITY HERE” Hyphenated American style of identity on a whole.

D-Day by Stephen Ambrose is account of the event that leads to end of World War II. This is about an ambitious, “all-in” plan that almost was a failure. It is about how the men who were the “boots on the ground” were able to make adjustments and overcome in an unimaginably tough scenario. (I shudder at the thought of how today’s 24/7 news outlets would have covered this.) This is how the lower ranks not the Generals who were the ones that made ultimate difference.

We live in a culture today that feels that all problems can be handled and managed by a “top down” approach. The history of this country more times than not has shown “bottom up” approach to be the game changer. This also goes against idea that the one who has a best image on television is therefore the better leader. The reality is that the one who is willing to get “ugly” and “slug it out” will prevail in the long run. It is also like the structure of a pyramid, there is more at the bottom.

 You do not have to accept my takes on the books above. You can read them too and form your own opinion.

I am always attempting to work on myself as an individual. This means I read a lot to expand my own knowledge base. I also try not to get myself too caught up in being part of mass groups or movements. However, they are unavoidable. That is the conundrum.

How many times have you heard someone say that all the answers to life are contained in the book “INSERT TITLE HERE”? They will only quote that one book to you. Over and over again. I have read many of those books in my life. And here is what I have found to be true. None of those books have a chapter on cooking, automobile repair, computer maintenance, etc. Guess what you need to read another book or two. If this was not true, bookstores and libraries would not exist. I have low tolerance for people who can only reference one source. It seems that too many people nowadays cling to one book, principle, political identity, whatever, etc.

I think the problem is people are generally lazy about how they take in and decipher information. It is a complex world.

I also think people only tune in one source also. And usually this is via a radio station. I am not above either. I found myself listening to sports radio during my commute time. I get it. Sports are something people use to have something to cheer for. I listen to all of this talk. And in the end, it means nothing. The opinions voiced have no real consequences in the world. As maybe it should be. Just like entertainment news. You get to form opinions that you feel matter and at the same time they most likely will not challenged.

NOTE: Some of the following ideas come out the play Talk Radio by Eric Bogosian. For non-readers, it was adapted by Oliver Stone into movie too.

The real problem exists with talk radio. I do not care who. I do not care if the person is on the left or on the right. I am not going to pretend that I have never listened to them either. Please whatever you hear from those shows could you take a moment to process and filter it through your brain. Before you spew it back to me. I hate when people “parrot” shit verbatim.

I wish I remember where I heard this next statement from. “Talk radio is for broken people. They need someone to tell them that they are right”. They do not want to challenge their beliefs. It is the show. The host does not want to leave anything to chance either. There is a call screener to make sure the show stays on script. Talk radio is not about having a conversation. It is about a person indoctrinating. However, the host needs attention and his ego feed. The host also knows the show must go on and that takes money. The show must offend the audience but not the advertisers. Follow the money trail. You may not get the truth. But at least you may get a clue about the agenda at work. The host needs to always remind you about all the hate mail. People like to hear about someone being metaphorically crucified and tune in just to hear “who is bringing the nails”. This attention feeds the machine. Rush Limbaugh needs Democrats more than he will ever admit to. Howard Stern needed the help of the FCC fining him to assure his success. They all claim they want to rid the world of their enemy. Remember in nature a parasite needs a good host to survive. Also as human beings we will always tune into a “David vs. Goliath” scenario. And they have the “script” ready.

I think people gravitate towards talk radio format because they feel it gives them a voice in our society. And that is probably the farthest thing from the truth. It does not want you to drive you to action. It needs the reaction. And it does not get the reaction if you are not listening. And that is what troubles the advertisers. The host voice is what is heard. Not yours. You are not in the game at all. You are on the sidelines. Just like a sports game. Talk radio seems to work like a lawsuit that settled for an “undisclosed amount.” A lot of money is thrown around and people get paid off. However, it is very unlikely that any of the conditions that caused the lawsuit in the first were fixed. The host cares the most about what he is saying and somehow fools you into believing he is going to fight for you. When was the last time you heard of a talk show personality actually crafting any legislative reform for this country?

I think this scene from movie Talk Radio sums it up best.

I do not want to come off as being on some high moral plane. I need to listen to others too to make it through a work day. I listen to podcasts on the MP3 player. What I enjoy is when people are having a conversation that is not based on just grinding an agenda out. I enjoy when people are having fun time. It is good to hear when people not only talk but listen to each other. There is also a big difference between talking to someone and talking about someone. And the show continues from that angle. It is more natural. It is something I miss having more often in my life. I listen to Keith and theGirl daily. And I listen to Kevin Smith’s SMODcast when they are posted.

NOTE: Kevin Smith made news recently when he was removed from a plane for being “too fat” to fly. This episode #106 he explains his side of the story. The next episode #107 he talks to another woman who was also involved with the incident. It gives you perspective from a person you may never think about.

The story on whole is about what happens when a person well connected to various social media outlets and poor customer service collides head on.

Finally.

Remember : Beware of a highly opinionated person.

Usually, I link to some music that I am listening to while I am writing a blog posting. However, I am listening to a full album today. The Who’s 1971 classic Who’s Next. It is a complete album because none of the songs on the album exist as just “filler”. It has one of the best opening songs for an album ever with “Baba O’Riley”. (OK. I linked to one song. However, do yourself a favor and get the whole album.) It is kind of sad that now a day’s many music artists cannot construct an entire album’s worth of songs. The ability for many people to listen to an album as a whole seems to be a fading memory too. Channel surfing in the digital Internet age is too easy and also too arbitrary at the same time.

I am like many people at this time year trying to figure out how to make a fresh start to the year. And how to achieve that break through you desire. I am not going into the details of a few events that happened to me in late November through December of 2009. It was hard enough. The other problem is that I cannot write anything in detail that would provide any noticeable insight or any ultimate wisdom that was acquired. All I can hint at is that my perception of things that I have held on to for a long time may not be actually true. Or they really may be true. It is a conundrum. (Yes. I had to look that word up.) Sometimes when looking at the equation of your life you have to remove yourself from that equation. Sometimes your own ego is a killer in the equation.
I also need to recharge the mental battery a little bit while I am going about things. I have been reading the book. Ignore Everyone and 39 Other Keys to Creativity by Hugh MacLeod. He started by making comics on the back of business cards. He also posts on the site GapingVoid.com. He had one of the biggest downloads with “How to Be Creative” and it form the basis of his book. I got back into checking out his website recently. He is very insightful on how to use the Internet to promote your creative endeavors. It is good to know there are resources out there to look to for support. Even if you are just a “browser”. I recommend this site for anyone trying to be “creative” and needs some insight.

He posted this comment on his FaceBook page.

“What’s the one thing that ALL of the SUCCESSFUL artists I know personally have in common…? They crank the shit out like short order cooks.”

This is a key to me throughout this year. I need to be more prolific in my postings. It is like exercise. You cannot get stronger if you do not keep exercising the muscles. I need to put out more content. Hopefully, it will lead to more opportunities. It is better way than using fast food to expand my horizons.

In the picture is a small notebook I carry around with me through the day at work. I make notes of any thoughts I may have that may help at some point in my writing. I make notes from various podcasts I listen to. There may be books I need to read. Films I should watch. I note websites I need to check out. I have been asked from time to time about how I know some much “weird” shit. I just watch and listen. But more importantly I make notes.
I then need to get to writing out on the notepad on the clipboard to expand out the ideas I noted. And make them appear on the website.

I also need to clean up the home office. But that is another sad story. I wish I had enough money to pay for a “support” staff. I wish I could outsource the petty things I need to accomplish so I can get to the major items on my “to-do writing list”. Sadly, “No man is an island”. However, I have made a good case for a man being a “landfill”.

I need to read books about the human condition and its nature. It helps me to flesh out better characters for my writing. The thing I have been coming to realize more and more is that people are strange interlocking of positive and negative traits and actions. The essence of a good character is that the person has strengths balanced on flaws. It is also why many of our public figures intriguing and annoying at the same time.

The other thing is that I have amassed a wide range of books over the years. Once again, let me say I am not trying to show off my intellect. I am just trying to reveal the works that have gone into my own. The one type of book I try to avoid is any that would be considered a textbook. Here is a warning. If you ever walk into a person’s office and all he has on his bookshelves is textbooks you should run away. One way to save money on education is to throw away all the textbooks. I was once a professional student. I had to buy a lot of textbooks. There is maybe 2-5 of them I still have for reference. They are for the most part useless. The only reason people write textbooks is to impress other idiots who write them too. I have a conspiracy theory about textbooks too. The textbook industry is secretly being funded by bed makers and chiropractors. If you read one you will need a place to sleep and you will eventually need a spinal realignment from hauling them around. One more comment on education. I have been around long enough to realize people have always been complaining about how we DO NOT spend on education. It is never enough. The reason is society on a whole really does not value education. We do not put enough effort into it at the beginning and we then overprice it at the end.

I want to point out a book that I have just read that has made me look at people and their actions different. It had the same effect on me as the book Freakonomics did on me. The book is Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions by Zachary Shore. It is about how people fall into various cognitive traps. I have two quotes from this book I want to point out.”…Expertise is a very good thing, but it is not the same thing as sound judgment regarding strategy and policy.” The other quote is, “History is an unforgiving laboratory. Its experiments can be only run once, and never again under precisely the same conditions.” They are both good reminders for our times. Just remember that ever crisis throughout history has had an “expert” in charge when it was happening. The captain of the Titanic had 30 years of experience.

We are flawed and we find extraordinary ways to fail.

This week, I learned that an idiot used the 911 system for customer service complaints.

I know our present economy is more of a challenge than a crisis for most of the people in this country. I also know the entire economy will never turn around based on my personal spending. In fact, my personal finances make me seem insignificant on a whole based on macro economics. It almost led me to have a personal existential identity crisis. I can only go forward regardless. The economics of today were the results of many, many years of various policies. One stimulus bill put together in a couple of weeks is not going to undo things in the matter of weeks. Economies take a lot of time to adjust. I am not sure where I heard this from. There is an old cavalry quote, “When in doubt…gallop.” And guess what a lot of horses leave behind.

The world is hard to comprehend. People create fiction whether it is a book or movie so they can make sense of our present world. An example I think is the movie Gladiator has more to say about American politics than it does the Roman Empire. I was trying to think about a character that embodies our fear of the future and the confusion of our present moment.

This is the character and the situation that I think that represents American society today. Play the clip. (It was the best example I could find. Quality was a distant second.)


 

Godzilla was a creature created by the atomic bomb. (The mistake of our past) It come back to reap destruction on man. Godzilla represents the future because it is big and scary. It is also an unknown force. And nobody knows if in any sense of reality its existence is inevitable. The future is basically the unknown monster. In the movies, no one knows how to really how to deal with it. The population runs around in mass panic. No one has a good plan of action. Sound familiar? Watch the evening news. They are basically broadcasting a “monster movie”. And being able to “Beat the monsters” does not make for good evening news. News outlets need to sell the problem not the answer. It is also the mantra behind any political campaign.

Somehow, knowing all of this (I think) I will try to be a bit more optimistic.

Maybe there is an “innocent” than can beat the “monster”. Like possibly Bambi.


 

I now have to re-read Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning.

I just wish someone could express the purpose to all of this.

My friend Mike sent me a link to a site called Mindmeister. It is a site for mapping out one’s mind. I really have not had the time to really delve into the site. He said it would be a good way to organize my thoughts in regards to my writing. It may be true and I might do it. However, I am a little suspicious of his motivation. I think he is just trying to “build the case against me”. And he just does not have the time to do the investigative work himself. If the state is going to prosecute you they have to do some “legwork” first. They do not have the ability to just have you fill out a survey so they can prosecute for your answers. It does not work like that in the court system. The tax system is another story.

Let me attempt a try at giving you an explanation of how my mind may work. I am by nature a curious person. This led me to a lot of trouble in my early education years. It also was scarred by being in a Catholic school. We were always being told that we had to have something to read or do quietly whenever we finished our class work. I was always in trouble for what I brought to school to read. Comic books, MAD magazine, etc. I was never told “Why” they were bad. If you are not going to explain “why” then you will never be able to satisfy a curious person. In fact, over time your lack of explanation feeds a rebellious tendency in that person. The answer, “Because I said so!” is the response of a person on seriously out of control personal power trip. For those of you who have been known to play a drinking game from time to time. It is the basis of the drinking game called Asshole. It does not require skill. It is more about having an arbitrary position.

I have a visual mind and usually see things through images. This is why I failed at math throughout my school years. I do not see “numbers” as an example. I can look at pictures and assemble things from them. This is one of my mom’s favorite stories about me when I was about two years old. I was a quiet kid who did not speak a lot. I could build things though. I used the color patterns on the rug in the dining room to build “roads” for my Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars. My grandparents bought me a big can of Tinker Toys. This was a toy you build things with using various sticks and connectors. I now feel old when I realize my toys as a child required as a goal that I put them together myself. This does not seem to be as true now days. Tinker Toys came with a small booklet of things you can build with the various sticks and connectors. So for the next week or so I sat down and built them all. I just looked at the picture and then the pieces. And from there I put them together. The instructions started with simple things and progressed to more complicated ones which required all of the pieces. I eventually worked up to those. I built the most complicated one and showed it off to my mom. She looked at it and thought that I had not put it together right. I looked her and without saying a word showed her the picture in the instruction book. She studied it and realized that I indeed had assembled correctly.

I will now lay blame to biggest influence on my childhood imagination. The first time I ever saw a movie that felt that it looked like the imagination in my head was Star Wars. I remember just sitting glued into my seat at the movie theater. It caught my imagination hard. A few months later, when the toys were coming out I was completely into it. I would go to school and just draw out Star Wars pictures and the after school go home and act out the scenes with my toy action figures. I would come up with new stories every time I would get a new figure. In fact, I bought certain ones based on the ideas of which stories I wanted to tell next. The problem was in second grade I would rather draw the stories then do my real school work. I would be constantly yelled and told such use of my time was a waste. I also discovered comic books. I like that I could see how images and words worked together. And this is why films fascinate me. But I could never successfully explain to my teacher why it was not a waste of time. That is called back talking. I had quite a few walks to the principal’s office. My footprints will be forever etched into that floor. However, I realize that the teacher had no imagination (most of them do not anyways). Those who can’t…teach. I still read Star Wars novels and watch the movies because I am still discovering things about them. It is a very dense story. There are many facets to it. I wish when I was kid there was Wookieepedia. I read the book about a decade ago called Star Wars: The Magic of Myth by Mary Henderson. It is about the elements that make up the story of Star Wars itself. It kept referencing the book The Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. He explores how man has been writing and rewriting the same story since man was able to write. This is how it works for me. I find something that fuels my imagination and then I want more information about it.

I am trying to become a better writer. And that will be the goal until the end. Stephen King in his book On Writing said, “If you do not have the time to read. Then you do not have the time to write. Because you do not have the tools to write.” Here is another example of the mind in action. I like a good story. I like the story even better if there is strong character development. This is why I enjoy the Spenser series from author Robert Parker. It was the influence behind the Spenser: For Hire TV series. He has strong characters and he does not get caught up in using many words to tell the story. Spenser is man who no matter what will solve the case even when he is told to stay away. he has principals and a belief in them. Author Stephen Hunter created the character of Bobby Lee Swagger that he used in several of his novels. Swagger is a former army sniper who gets caught in situation that fall into the category of “right man at the wrong time”. I just read his latest appearance in the novel The 47^th Samurai. I will not go into the plot details. I just want to point out how I find things that make me curious and I want find out more. In the book, Swagger studies Japanese samurai culture by watching that genre of films. So now a few of those titles  such as Twilight Samurai, The 47 Ronin and When the Last Sword is Drawn will go into the Netflix queue. There was also the mention of a book entitled The Nobility of Failure. And I am trying to locate a copy to read. I think it could provide some enlightenment for some other thoughts in my head.

This is how it works in a nutshell. I find a good story. I then try to find some details about elements that went into story. And from there I want to see how it all contributed to final “assembly” of the story. On top of it all, westerns, kung fu and samurai films are the ones that seem to be grabbing my attention at the moment. So you have been warned.

I know most people will not read a book or watch a movie that I mentioned. It would take some effort on their part. We are in a world where knowledge seems to be condensed into quick sound bites. And this is not what I am about. I know most people want to be told what to read or see. They do not want to empower themselves with a sense of discovery. They base their quest for knowledge more on what they know rather than what they do not know. I know I will never get to control the “remote” for the masses nor do I want to. I know I do get choose the station, book, movie or the event. So be it. I like how I am trying to discover things. Speaking of which. Last year, I went on a few ghost hunts. You can believe it or not. I did see and hear things. However, as is very common in such situations the evidence did not show up on film. But my X-Files Quest will continue. Does anyone out there know of a good area in the Northeast United States for a UFO hunt?

In the end, I am just attempting to layout a map. But to be truthful, I am not sure how the map works all the time. If I did then I am afraid it will ruin all of the magic.

This is another posting where I am trying to write out notes that have been on my notepad and in my head over the last few months. The most important thing is that I have to make time no matter what to write. It has not been easy.

The Western movie genre is one that reflects the American culture over the last century. Although quite a few Western movies were remakes of Japanese samurai movies. Two examples were the films from Japanese director Akira Kurosawa. The Seven Samurai became The Magnificent Seven. Yojimbo was remade as A Fistful of Dollars, the movie that started the Clint Eastwood “spaghetti westerns” trilogy. Interesting side note the movie starred an American actor, directed by an Italian, and financed by German investors. I think what makes the Western an intriguing genre is the story is essentially a question of “moral” action. It is usually about the lone man who is battling his circumstances. These movies use scenes of a harsh weather environment as the background to the story. Another reason why this genre continues to endure is because these movies have men who for “good or bad” live by a personal code of conduct. These are men of their word. And they are willing to do what it takes to survive. These films lead the viewer to some form of escapism. It is a chance to watch what they long for in their own lives.

Here a few Western Movies I like that reflect this idea of my mine. But I am sure many have had the same thought out there.

Unforgiven: Clint Eastwood takes a revisionist look at the Westerns he helped to make popular. This film questions the idea of what does it take to really shoot a man.

The Wild Bunch: William Holden is the leader of gang of bank robbers who is becoming aware that the ways of the West are coming to end in early 1900′s America.

High Noon: The Gray Cooper classic of man who has to take a stand for a town not willing to do it for itself. I read once that this film is the one that is screened the most at the White House.

3:10 to Yuma: Both versions. The 1957 and 2007 releases. They both are about what a man is willing to take on in hard times in order to provide for his family.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: It may not really fit into my idea. However, it is really is just an entertaining Western to watch. Paul Newman was just wonderful in this movie. He was a man of action and had a sense of humor. Like in this scene.

There was another film that really defines my premise entitled The Proposition. If you like the Western genre then this movie should be in your NetFlix queue. This film is not set in America but in the Outbacks of late 1800′s Australia. This movie does fit into American Western genre. The screenplay for this movie was written by singer Nick Cave. I know most people will not immediately recognize his name. His song Red Right Hand was featured in all of the Scream movies and The X-Files. Personally, I am a big fan of his song The Mercy Seat. His songs are mini stories within themselves. His songs are about damnation and salvation. He uses Biblical ideas in many of songs. The Proposition is basically an updated retelling of Cain and Able to even more extremes. In this movie, Charlie Burns (Guy Pierce) who is a wanted criminal must save his younger criminal brother from the gallows’ pole. However, in order to do this he must hunt down and kill his older psychopathic brother. This movie is very harsh and violent at times to watch. I think every now and then you should watch a film that challenges your own sensibilities. It is healthy. Here is the trailer for the film.

There is another example of a man vs. his environment. However, this time it is neither a Western nor even a movie. It is also an odd choice given my current mental state to read. It is a book titled The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The story is set in a post-apocalyptic America. (It is never explained how America came to be this) In this story, a man and his son are traveling a road trying to find a better place. The post-apocalyptic state is also another genre that seems to be popular from time to time. Watch the Mad Max trilogy. I think it is popular background to stories for man is basically reduced to his primitive elements. Survival is crucial and man does not have all of his extra items available in order to do it. It is about what a man is willing to do survive. Life is reduced to the essentials. It is about what a man is willing to endure in order to survive. I think that this genre attracts people because deep down they want to read or hear stories in which no matter what happens in the end “Hope” survives.

Now how did I come to the movie and this book? The Proposition was directed by John Hillcoat who directed the upcoming movie adaptation of the book The Road. The movie should be out sometime this year. This movie has had its released date changed several times. I think the film studio behind this is having a hard time trying to find the right time to market. I say just release it already. A good story will eventually find an audience. And keep finding one.

And also read Nick Cave’s book And the Ass Saw the Angel.

I have a co-worker who leaves his hunting magazines around the warehouse in where I “work”. And I was bored like usual so I was paging through one the other day. Outdoor Life magazine announced their 2008 Editors’ Choice for “Ammunition of the Year”. This was the first line to the article. I did not make this up. It said, “No gun is better than its load. That’s what does the job.” I then looked at the cover to make sure I was not reading Penthouse Forums. I am just pointing this out for I now have a new approach for this year. Hopefully the line works.

Yesterday, I was in a local home improvement store. I could not believe it. They were closing out the winter items and putting in the spring items. It is January 10^th in Buffalo, New York. Winter does not usually end until the annual St Patrick’s Day in March. We have two more months of winter here roughly. And we will need things to deal with it. Like say rock salt. I had to buy if I wanted to make sure I have it. Sadly, it probably will not be enough. But I will not be able to buy it. However, lawn furniture will be available for purchase though. Here is a clue. I do not think about lawn furniture in January because I cannot see my lawn. There is 2-3 feet of SNOW on top of it! Here is another observation. The economy of this country may be slowing down because stores are not stocking the items we need for the season we need it for.

The other thing happened to me today in a store. I was behind a woman who thought she was the only person who existed and she had issues with everything. She was draining the life force out from the place. And there was not that much of it to begin within there. All I could think was that I found the woman who was the inspiration for the term “bitch slap”. I am not advocating violence. But you have to admit that there are indeed people who have it coming to them.

On now with the post. And I have a lot of things to say in this one.

Henry Rollins re-issued his 1991 album Live @ McCabe’s. It is hard to believe I bought that album when it came out. It was and still is a very influential album for me. This is a “spoken word” album where he is not playing any music. It is not stand up comedy per say but there are funny moments. There are also parts that are hard to hear him talk about. It is about the story and trying to come to some insight. It is something to that inspired me to combine that drama with laughter. I am not sure it has always come off in my writings. But I that is what I am trying for. And the experiment continues.

 Trying to find to find some insight to an awkward situation.

I was watching Magnum Force last week. The film ends with another famous Dirty Harry quote. Watch. (Sorry I could not embed this clip)

 Yes! A man needs to know his limitations. Too many times that knowledge comes the hard way.

Like many out there I planned some resolutions for the New Year. And now I feel like the Lloyd Bridges character in the classic movie Airplane! who picked the “wrong week”

I wanted to start the year off with an effort to curtail some of my many vices. Vices that will go unnamed at this point in time. It is a bit frustrating. Not that I believe in such things but I was reading my horoscope in a local freebie paper. It said that I should, “Add some compassionate sarcasm and loving satire into the mix, and you will generate lots of sweet karma”. What is that supposed to mean? I do not have a clue. I want to talk about an event in my life that forced major change but I cannot. Simply because “whatever you say can be used against you in a court of law”. I have a situation which most likely has to be resolved by the court system. It has been a frustration beyond frustration for me. It changed my economics drastically and quickly. But back to the horoscope for a moment. The industrial complex where my job is located was sponsoring a blood drive. And I wanted to call to say I have some “donors” for them. But I was informed that I could not “donate” other people’s blood for them. It is a crime. I said it would be easy for them because all they would have to do is hold a bucket under where I punched these “donors” in the head. I do not think that this is “compassionate sarcasm” that “karma” was looking for. But I am curious to know how many punches it takes to get a pint. We know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop!

I seem to have to a lot of crap to deal with over the last 2-3 weeks. But I listened to an interesting talk about poop though last week. (Episode 874) I know have a lot of crap because a few days before Christmas my sewer line backed up. Talk about getting a lump of coal in the stocking. But I found it to be a religious experience. I prayed all night for the sewer not to back up and out of the sump pump hole. And my prayers were answered. Just wished it did not cost me what it ended up costing. Prayers answered so I had to put money in the collection basket. I maybe a five time lapped Catholic but it all came back to me.

And speaking of breaking down my MP3 player volume control broke on me. (And not to mention the small crack in my truck’s windshield that is slowly growing.) I had to replace it with a new one even with my current tight economics at the moment. Having a MP3 player helps make the work day move along and saves me from having to listen to a lot of useless conversations. Podcasts have helped me to learn a lot over the last year. It makes me feel productive. It is also bigger so I can listen to more things. It also plays videos. I need to find out if there is a way to convert DVD’s to watch on it. I am not sure. But with all that I need to do this can wait a bit. But if you know how it can be done please e-mail me. It may save me some time and frustration. I am short on the first one and abundant on the other at the moment.

I found also found an interesting music podcast called HamRadio. It features a very eclectic listing of music. I like that it not the same music over and over which seem to be the format to most radio stations these days. There is nothing new to radio and that maybe why people are abandoning it for podcasts. Radio is too afraid to challenge their audience. Repeating the same songs over and over is boring. No one wants to spend time being bored. If you like interesting playlists check out Harmony in My Head
or Roots Rock Radio.

But HamRadio turned me on this song for this posting.

MUSIC: Chemical Brothers

I think the hardest part is the situation caused my economic shift rippled through other things. There are a few things that I wanted to do that I have had to put on hold and may even have to cancel for this year. It is January and I am already sounding like a Buffalo Bills fan. “Maybe next year will be better?”

There is part to letting people in. However, if things do not look right it is hard to share. I know my website could and should look better. I was going to hire a web developer to get the website into shape. I know I should learn for myself and someday I might. But my job is to write and create. Web developer job is to format site. I can only cover so much ground. And I have to learn to stop trying to cover all the ground on my own. There are lessons to learn. But I have to find people out there who are willing to be teachers even partners in the process. In other words, I need more doers than talkers. And that is the opposite purpose of talk radio.

I also wanted to get a video camera because I miss working with one. So the digital camera will have to do for now but I wish it had a better zoom lens. Beggars cannot be choosers. Unless you are the automotive or banking industry. So I need to figure how to put four wheels on my problem or convince someone that my change jar is indeed a bank. I need to be really creative here. But here is to hoping for federal emergency funding.

Something happen to me at the end of last November. It became official. I achieved something that I thought would happen later in life. I became “Too old for this shit”. It lead to my latest bathroom reading book entitled Rules for Aging: A Wry and Witty Guide to Life By Roger Rosenblatt. It was a Christmas gift from my aunt. But I am stuck at the moment attempting to read Chapter 3 called “Let Bad Enough Alone”. So I am going to have to increase the fiber in my diet to focus on reading the book. And she also gave me the book The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht. But I am pretty sure in the short term I am not going to need to how to deal with escaping quicksand, how to wrestle free from an alligator or knowing what to do if my parachute failed. Call me optimistic. But I am still crossing my fingers. Just to be safe.

I want to leave with posting my playlist.

Simon and Garfunkel-Sounds of Silence. I may come off a quiet person in person but I do not deal well with silence. But this does not mean I want to be subjected to constant chatter. Especially when I am trying to watch a movie.

Husker Du-What’s Going On?

Tom Waits-Hold On. For two lyrics. “You live it up you won’t live it down.” And “You don’t meet good girls in coffee shops”.

Black Label Society-The Blessed Hell Ride

The Headstones-Three Angels. “The problem with living is when you get there you’re seldom forgiven”.

Soundgarden-Room a Thousand Years Wide

A Perfect Circle- The Noose, Disconnect. Just listen to their The Thirteenth Step album.

Tim Wilson-One Idiot Away. Had to throw in a song for a laugh.

Screaming Trees- Dollar Bill. Sometimes you just come up short.

Tres-Writing on the Wall

Mr. Bungle-Chemical Marriage. Sometimes a nonsensical song just simply works.

Bruce Springsteen-Dead Man Walking. “Between our dreams and our actions lies this world.”

Our Lady Peace-One Man Army from the album Happiness is a Fish You Can’t Catch

Neil Diamond-If I Don’t See You Again.

Quiet Riot-Metal Health. Had to end with 80′s retro classic

Finally, let me end here. There is an old adage that says, “It is always darkest before the dawn”.

That may be true. But you have to know where the horizon is so you can be looking the right way.

And here is to putting more mileage on the grindstone.

I just finished reading Denis Leary’s new book, Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid. And I just watched the following clip of his to attempt to get into the “mood” of the season. And right now I have more than enough “mood” to go around.

I try to keep perspective of myself. And it is not always an easy exercise. I know that people out there have more issues and problems than I do. I also remember the lesson that “You should not judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes”. True. But I can only write about the journey of “my shoes”. I like to take walks in the woods from time to time. I like taking photos of what catches my eyes. Like the picture here. I also leave the MP3 player at home. These walks from time to time help when I get caught way too much within my own “head space”. But right now they are not working all that well. I need to do things that give me a moment to attempt to be outside of myself.

MUSIC: Gnarls Barkley (This song comes from their amazing St. Elsewhere album)

I am also trying to come to terms with being a Buffalo Bills fan. I am becoming aware that being one maybe causing “a disturbance in my force”. The Bills will break your heart in more than one way it seems. I am more of aware of this after last weekend’s lost to the New York Jets by way of last minute fumble. The Bills this year seem to be able to “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory”. In doing so they brought back the yearly thought by fans of “maybe we will be better next year”. Will this team ever get beyond the memory of “Wide Right”

I seem to going through my own battle with a potential failure. I own an apartment building and I have tenant moving out but he is doing through terms of the lease agreement. He was a good tenant to have. On Monday morning, my other tenants in the lower apartment informed me that they were moving out Jan 15^th and without paying. My real estate rental agent is aware of the problem and is working quickly to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, I have a feeling I am going to end up in claims court with these tenants. I have had to make quick money adjustments to get through the winter and several projects are going to have to be delayed. There are a few things I wanted to do with the website that with have to be delayed. That pisses me off. I know one way to deal with my “head space” issues is to write but right now home is not a good space to be. I find myself walking around my apartment giving the middle finger to the floor. I am also avoiding the trouble tenants and letting the agent deal with them. I know myself and I am going to say something I am going to regret. Right now home is not the place I want to be. The writing is suffering more than I want it to.

I really wish when I decide to focus more on the writing and that I did not have to deal with other people’s bullshit. Sadly, it is bullshit I have no choice but to deal with.

I am going to say this. If you are going to act like an irresponsible asshole and think you should get a pass on it because it is “Christmas Time” then I am going to tell you to “Go Fuck Yourself!” And then I should be allowed one free punch right in your face. It does not matter what age, race, gender, creed, political, religious belief, etc. you are. There are people who deserve to be punched. And hard. I know this country is in the midst of serious challenges. I do not care which political party you subscribe to. This is what it is going to come down to. The responsible people are going to have to take on even more responsibility in order to overcome the irresponsible people of this country. And those irresponsible people are going to have to learn why they do indeed “Suck!” Sadly, you can’t fix stupid.

I am trying to maintain some hope in humanity. So tonight I am going to watch the classic movie To Kill a Mockingbird. Gregory Peck’s Academy Award winning portrayal of Atticus Finch is example of what more people should aspire to be in this country. This is the type of man there should be more. There was a reason why this role was voted by the American Film Institute as the “Greatest Movie Hero of All Time”.

I have also counter balanced this movie with my yearly anti-Christmas movie for the upcoming December 24^th. This year will be “B&B” Eve. “Bourbon and Bombs”. The movie being seen will be the dark comedy classic Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. This is the late Stanley Kubrick’s humorous look at nuclear war. Peace on earth may only be achieved when there is a lot less of people around to screw up the peace on earth. There are times when I too want to ride that bomb down along side Slim Pickens in that memorable moment. You need to sometimes be a bit over dramatic to get people’s attention.

I also got an early Christmas present. A new grindstone. But this one came with a coffee cup holder.

I am going to work over upcoming weeks on my sense of humor. They say laughter is the best medicine. In that case, many years ago when my friend was having cancer surgery and I was in the waiting room. Why did people look at me like I was an asshole for making jokes about him? I should have given all of them a medical bill for my services.

I am just trying to find the balance to the cosmos here. Or maybe it is over there.