MUSIC: Social Distortion

The last few days brought some really, really cold air to area. It was the cold that just runs right through you. It kind of fueled my already low mood. As Shakespeare might say “Now is the winter of discontent…” And the book The Winter of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck is on my “to read” list.

I also had yet another repair to do last week. The windshield of my truck cracked. Last summer, a truck kicked a stone and put a small chip in my windshield. Two weeks ago that chip became a ¼ crack. And driving to work last Wednesday morning the crack grew right across the windshield as I was driving about 60 MPH. I want to make the commute to work just once without having to say the phrase “What the Fuck?!” This was just the latest in series of breakdowns I have been experiencing over the last 2-3 months. I am completely drained of energy right now. And I learned another item a couple of days ago (which I will not mention because the circumstances are not completely my own to talk about) that I am hoping will resolve itself. However, the only approach that can be taken is “wait and see”.

I have also been having major problems staying focused and resolved on my writing. Every time that I resolve myself to spend time just doing nothing but writing it seems a “problem” comes that needs to be addressed immediately. It also happens every time I also resolve to clean the apartment too. There seems to be some unknown force in my life that wants to “clutch defeat from the jaws of victory”. There are many days in which I come home with low energy and doing something I enjoy would be a good idea. I.E. writing. However, I fear that dreaded problem phone call. I do not want to get defeated. And I end up just “vegging out”. Surprise! This method does not work well either. But I need a “cease fire” and to a chance to work out what I already need to work on. I do not want to get crushed yet again by interruptions.

It is hard to explain to people about my writing. It is an internal manifestation for me. People I think may try to understand it stand it if there was external cause for my writing. They would understand it if the writing was done as an assignment. Many people also need to see something external like a pay stub. It seems like there needs to be something hanging on the wall in order for them to acknowledge it. I think they feel there has to be something external in order for them to feel it is validated. Acknowledgment and validation has been a struggle for me to achieve. I am always looking at my blog stats to see what is being read. My web host logs, Word Press stats, Googling myself and other sites all give a different report of what is being clicked on. I heard an author once say that such tools were invented to torture writers. And they do.

I heard an interview on the radio the other day with comedian Robert Schimmel. He was talking about how he made through some tough personal times over the last few years. This is what he said that caught my attention. “When people start dictating their definition to you and if you do not live up to that then you are not successful. Then you need to come up with your own definition of success.” I come from a family and also have friends who seem to imply that success is being “married with children”. I am not married. But I do have a “child” in a sense. What is a child? A child is something that you create that is something that is bigger than yourself. It is a love-hate relationship. But you want it to grow and will do anything for the “child”. My “child” is my writing. I wish I could find a way to show this point better to others. But there will always be “the loneliness of the long distance runner” when it comes to being a writer.

Remember even Hitler’s father had “The World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug in the cupboard. Think about that.

I heard once that you know you are in the right profession when you are willing to do it for free. That maybe true but this logic does not work when I have to pay the web hosting fee.

I have also watched a couple of movies this week that also seem to fit into this concept of struggle. What can I say? If I am going to “veg” I might as well be watching some movies. They were both fight movies. One was martial arts and the other was a boxing movie. I think this movies fighting is used more as metaphor for the struggle within. The first was Redbelt, the latest film from David Mamet. I like his writing because he is willing to push boundaries. I like his works because it is about people struggling within their own circumstances. Read his work Glengarry Glen Ross. The other movie was Rocky Balboa. It was sixth movie in the series and the best one along with the original. The character of Rocky is one of the best film characters. I know the series had a lot of ups and downs. I know this character has been the subject of parody over the years. But you need a good character in order to have good parody. A bad character will just be lampooned. And there is a difference between parody and lampoon. Rocky talking to his son says, “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward.” This quote best sums up the story line for the movie. It think why the character is still relevant today is because it is about a person who just wants a chance to compete. To compete whether or not it ends up being a “win” or even a “lost”. And run those Rocky Steps.

And I want to leave with a laugh. This clip is kind of a metaphor on my current status courtesy of Ren & Stimpy.


 

Finally, I am looking for help painting two vacant apartments next weekend. The quicker I get it done the sooner I can get back to writing.