Albatross

Posted on April 17, 2012 by foley

(Flash fiction)

 

                                                      Albatross

 

First, I would buy a GPS tracker for that stuffed rabbit.

She maybe three years old but she has days when she could beat my boss when it comes to being a tyrant. Demanding. It took an extra hour of searching the house to find one stuffed rabbit. She has hundreds of stuffed animals. I pleaded. But she would not accept any substitute for her bedtime. I knew that. But just this one time?

Luckily, it was found. But not soon enough.

Why she put that rabbit in her dresser drawer under the sweater to keep it warm? Is an explanation from her that would have delayed bedtime yet another hour.

She is finally asleep.

I snuck back into her room to sit and watch her.

She is just lying there with hugging that rabbit. Such a sight makes it is easier to forgive her bedtime dramatics. And it is tough at the same time.

It has been a long day. Really it has been an even longer three weeks. The economy might be changing. Orders and shipments at the plant have been higher. The extra hours have helped. Just a bit. But no one there believes it going to be any long lasting trend. Just watch the news any night. Every optimistic report is counter with at least three downside points to make you weary. Weary of anything. The numbers are thrown around with so much ease by so called experts. And for all their ease they never seem to balance out. They need to get out from behind the cameras. They would all be singing another tune if they had a clue. Not a sound bite. The only time they roll up their sleeves is just before they give a speech. Save the posturing. Shut up. They need to start busting their ass. On their own. Without a sucking up staff with them to make it happen. Don’t tell me about the cost of things if you do not have to actually do it yourself. If you are not watching the clock as your feel your wallet while waiting in a line or pumping gas then you really can’t feel shit. Talk a good game to someone else.

Take a breathe.

It is hard to keep focus. No one ever taught you the skill to be to do something while you are looking over your shoulder at the same time.

Her just sleeping there reminds me. It seems like a lot to put on a three year old.

 Look straight. Fly right. They’re tricky now a day.

Hope? Never paid the bills. Secretly wishing it would.

Change? Maybe another day.

Too little air in me at the moment to hold in.

6 22 33 35 47 31 

I know they are a long shot. The odds are not in my favor. None of the odds are in my favor. Doing my best. And those odds are still not improving. I know there are no short cuts to life. Have to go through. Can’t go around.

I wish I could get a chance to breath.

5 15 26 38 43 4    

Maybe the second line will increase the chances. They only cost $2. It seems like nothing when compared to $4 a gallon gas. A dream. Even a long shot. A chance to be optimistic. The second one just grinds at you. Funny part is both of them have the same property to them. They’re both out of your control. Anyone telling you they can control them for you is selling you something you need even less than a lottery ticket. However, it is the wrong time for that memo. Life, nature or whatever you may call it has rules that can never be changed.

6 22 33 35 47 31 

Maybe those numbers will give me a chance to be with my wife more. We are passing by each other only to pass a child between job shifts. It is going to be at least three or four more hours before she makes it home. If all goes well.

I was going to stay up to see her. The exhaustion has other plans. You get married to work together. I am not sure how it happened. But it seems like we are working apart. Marriage buy high. Sell low. It’s the reality of that investment plan.

Have to stop. Not that thought.

I need to breathe.

Have to work again tomorrow.

Wish there was more credit for effort.

 

5 15 26 38 43 4

$2 doesn’t seem to be a waste for a chance. I felt a bit pathetic about it though. It’s a desperate move. Foolish. I should know better. Hell, do better. $2 is half gallon of milk. And she loves that on her cereal. It may not last long. But a happy face in the morning seems to go longer.

How much longer can it go?

It can’t all be trending down.

 

 

6 22 33 35 47 31

5 15 26 38 43 4

 

It would be nice.

I don’t care about a mansion. I don’t care about a fancy car. Nor a trip around the world.

I just want to breathe.

 

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Just Throwing This One Out There

Posted on April 8, 2012 by foley

I think I should add another category to this blog.

It should be called “The Thoughts that Have Been Banging Around in My Head for Far Too Long”. Or “The Thoughts that Make Me Stare at the Ceiling While I am Trying to Go to Sleep.” And there has to be a point to put a stop to it and just get it out.

I come a family setting that is more about what you have “procreated” rather than what you are “trying to create” separate from that. So if I am not doing the first part than the second part does not matter. And when you make to my age without doing the first part you are going to be “odd man” out. All I can say “It is what it is.” All I can do is focus on the second part. And the second part is something that they do not want to acknowledge. The good part is it saves a lot of phone calls. But it makes dinners awkward.

Plus, you cannot force something. Especially on to others.

There are times when you stumble across things on the Internet such as a video posting. As you watch it you realize that the person being featured has more wisdom than you ever realized. However, the sad case is this person’s wisdom was never fully realized while he was alive. And you have more questions for him. This is the case with the late comedian Patrice O’Neal.

 

It is hard to be attempting to do something the people around you do not understand whatsoever. I could lay out the “plan” or “THE VISION” (As the trumpets blare) with all of its fine details. The problem is the more details you give out the more people seem to figure out how they will not work. Rather, how to make them work. Everyone has an “escape plan” to make to the next level for themselves. And you have a role in them. Whether or not they tell you what that is. Your plan changes their narrative. It is just how life operates. That is why the clip resonated with me.

I know what I am do for all of its “ups and downs” is unusual. I am at an age where you tell people that I am “experimenting” they FREAK OUT. Our society has demonized the idea of “experimentation”. A failed national drug policy and risky financial products are big reason behind the fear. There are also way too many lawyers and insurance agents that claim “You can be made whole again. And it will not cost you thing to do so.”

Does Life’s Fine Print guarantee a return on the investment at all times? If so where is my refund on drinks and movies?

The traditional methods of achievement are not holding completely true so I have to turn to different sources for inspiration. It is more than finding just ways to improve the writing and finding outlets and audiences for it. There is no field of knowledge out there that exists on its own. It has to interact with all the other ones out. Anyone arguing for “purity” is wasting time.

I needed to find other sources for building the mechanisms and supports to help that “elusive plan”. I carry copies with me of the following books to refer when I have a chance. It is not always about improving just the “writing” part. It is also about improving the other parts around it.

(NOTE: I do not buy completely into any of the following sources as being the “absolute” way. I am just working through the parts that may help me. It is a matter of “assembling and reassembling” the process.)

1. GapingVoid.comThis blog I read weekly written by Hugh MacLeod. It is more about using the Internet to make connections. However, I am looking forward to his latest book Freedom is Blogging in Your Underpants.

2. The 4 Hour Workweekby Tim Ferris. He is becoming more prolific about his own personal experiments. His work is about achieving more efficiency in your everyday life.

3. The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau. Another source for ideas on how to accomplish things in an “untraditional” way. (It is how the “New Economy” is working. His latest manifesto The Towerpresents some formable ideas.

4. The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. There has to one book dealing with the “internal mental struggles”.

5. The Accidental Creative by Todd Henry is a book that deals with how to help clean up the thought process. I think it is a good exercise to breakdown and examine the “process”.

I have also been listening to the podcast This Week with Larry Miller. It is a weekly (thus the title) podcast that lasts about an hour. It features just himself doing what is basically a monologue. He discusses those everyday things most of us can relate to it. He breaks them down and offers another perspective to them. Many times he sums things up as “Maybe it’s not perfect. But for what it is. It is good enough. And that’s all right.”

Things exist within their own time. Recognize it. And accept it.

 

This is a photo taken on as I watched the Super Bowl game this year at my friends’ house. That is their daughter Olivia there. And I am “Her Favorite Uncle”. Before you applaud this achievement let me tell you the “competition” for the title was “weak field of contenders”. She was watching her film on an IPad just sharing the couch during the game. She is 41/2 operates an IPad and more importantly can read. She is also very amusing. The dog name is “Smudge” and his breed is basically “a stomach with four legs, a tail and fur”. Every time, I go over there that dog bounces up in the window and has the look that says, “Thank God you are here”. And then wants to be petted for about 10 minutes and looks at them with the look that says, “See what he is doing. Why can’t you do this for me?” It is nice to be appreciated. One day, Maggie (The Mom) told me that one afternoon the two of them were going “absolutely bonkers” and just started running around the living room and looking out the window. The reason was someone had parked a truck just like mine in front of the house. And they thought I was coming to the house. It took a few minutes, to convince them at that time I was at work.

I guess I have an effect. It is nice to be joyfully recognized.

There are times when you have a good thing. And I cannot recreate it to have for myself 24/7. And that is all right. There are just situations that are unique. So do not get greedy.

I think people too often can get too caught up within themselves. They do not take any time or effort to take a different perspective on things.

I start many of my mornings reading Jessica Hagy’s blog Indexed. She creates simple graphs that break down how certain things or ideas are related to each other. She also has some good ones too in Thoughts Over Coffee. She also had another article to take a look at titled, How to be More Interesting(in 10 Simple Steps). And Loopholing: Seeing the Options Between the Rules.

Sometimes when things seem to very “complex” it is a relief to be able to see something that breaks it down to its basic “elements”.

I am not sure how I really feel when it comes to “The Power of the Universe”. But I would also be insincere if I did not admit to the “possibility” that it may be at work out there. As I was pondering all my thoughts for this posting I came across this posting from GapingVoid. It related to an upcoming documentary about a renowned sushi chef who even in his older age does not feel he has truly mastered his craft.

 

Maybe the message of the film is that person needs to remember the “craft” on hand in the moment. Rather than focusing in on the clock or on a date on a calendar as the “ultimate deadline” for its achievement. There are things that need to play a few extra “Mulligans” in life.

The thing we should never retire from. There are things you do that time as “an ending” should not be taken into consideration.

Does any of this make sense?

 

If this left you with a “Blank stare”.

Sorry. But that’s on you.

 

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At the Plate: 1 for 3…So Far

Posted on April 6, 2012 by foley

Here is what is currently on my reading pile. And all of them were new additions to that never-ending pile.

The first book I finished was Code for Failure: A Gas Station Novel by Ryan W. Bradley. This book was based on a recommendation from Ben at Dead End Follies. I had never heard of this author before. And there was a good reason this was his first novel. It was also time to read something that was “off the radar” for a change. This is a story of young man who through failures ended up by chance working a gas station. I think many of us can relate to sense of dread we get from a job that is needed for the only purpose of paying bills. I think we can all draw from these jobs to make observations on people and circumstances. This book avoids what I have seen in a lot of first time authors which is lots words and over description of things. Each chapter is only a page or two so each one is concise. The plot as a result of this structure seemed to me to be of meandering pace. It was later on I realized that the main character to this book is also meandering through his life. He does not realize he is searching for that “unknown sparkplug” that will be the catalyst to moving forward.

It is a good read for those trying to find “meaning to this job”.

This book also made me think of what I can draw from in regards to my own employment history. And that is enough for a future posting.

Some readers may think a book must contain almost every word in the dictionary. Sometimes “condensed and precise” language makes a work a better read. He may be in another genre but the late author Robert B. Parker used the same technique in his work. I liked his Spenser series. It is a good example of simple structure and good dialogue used together to make interesting and deep characters along with gripping plots.

The second book came to me from the site LitReactor. There was posting list the works of Douglas Coupland. I had read his first book Generation X: Tales of An Accelerated Culture when it was released back in 1991. It was the “buzz” book being publicized by magazines like Spin. It was the book that would “define” the generation. I was young at the time and was looking for a definition to my generation that would be more realistic than that of the mainstream media. I liked the book for the time but it really did not stick with me over time. The part that did was the various “Neo-Logos” used throughout the book. The book did not define my generation but then it was hard to when I have never met anyone who has read the book or even heard of it. This is not to be a “slam” on the author. Just my circle at time has never been broad in the literary field. It is also something I realize now that with all the media outlets that there will never be that overall “voice of the generation” again. However, I am beginning to suspect there never really has been “one” for any generation. Plus defining yourself within a generation “as a whole” is like being asked to be “paint with a broad brush”. That method avoids the specifics of your “own being”.

I was reading the list and thought I should give this author another shot.

This is the book I am currently reading. It is the story of high school shooting as told by four different characters. I know I wanted to get away from the “dark world at an end” scenarios. However, the premise of this book intrigued me. It is a very touchy subject. I like a “risky” story for a premise. Plus there are times when you want to see how a writer gets out the “tricky situation” or how they really “get into it”. Each of the four characters narrates their own chapter. This is another example of using various “Points of View” to tell the story over a period of 15 years.

I finished the first chapter. Here is a bit of preview. The first chapter is written from the view of Cheryl who is a victim of the shooting narrates her own death. She is a church going girl secretly married to her boyfriend. The chapter is about how she is wrestling with “faith” along with “life and death” even from beyond. I know this type of character is handled as just a “stereotype” in many books and films. So far that handling is not in this book. I hate when writers embrace “stereotyping” characters. I see it so many times in movies. It is just a “lazy mentality” to create with.

And finally, the next book I will be reading.

Nick Cave is a“voice” people should get more familiar with. He is one of the best songwriters too many people have “never heard of”. He wrote the screenplay for the movie The Proposition. It may take place in the Australian Frontier. It is one of the best of the “westerns” out there. I had read his book And the Ass Saw the Angel many years ago. (This might be one of those “to be read again” selections for “The Pile”) His writing is like his music. It does not “hold your hand”. It goes for “The Throat”. (Listen to the albums Henry’s Dream, The Murder Ballads, or Live Seeds)

Plus I like people who do not want to be “pigeon holed” in their work in order to create it.

By the way.

Always looking for more book recommendations.

And let me know if you have checked out any of these books.

 

I have to close this post with a song from Nick Cave. Or two.

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And then Stir in a Few Drops of Pathos

Posted on March 29, 2012 by foley

I do not know how some ideas “pop” into my head. I work for the most part by myself during the day and live on my own at night. Sometimes, I will read, watch or maybe even hear something that catches my mind. And while I am going about my work, I start “playing” with the idea in my head. In a matter of time, I am making notes. I like doing this on my own at work. I do not share what so ever these ideas directly with them. I do not even mention this site. They are not people who I would seek their input from on this endeavor. Besides it is important some times to keep the various aspects of your life into “separate and distinct” corners.

Before I get into the premise for this post. And I hinted towards it in the title. I was thinking about it as I went about my work. I was also listening to my MP3 player when this song came on.


And then I started thinking about a couple of other songs that could relate to it and its theme.

Ready for the music leap?

Both of the following songs use “capital punishment” as an allegory about “reckoning”. That final coming to terms with one’s own actions.





And now let me shift gears. Everyone experiences a certain amount of Pathos in their life. The Greeks defined as “(represents an appeal to the audience’s emotions. Pathos is a communication technique used most often in rhetoric (where it is considered one of the three modes of persuasion, alongside ethos and logos), and in literature, film and other narrative art.” However, this “mode” or “method” (depending on how you look at it) does not get that favorable of a view.There are a lot of people telling you should avoid it. They sell plenty of products that ease if not eliminate it. It is all contrary to the quote “We need to do more with less.” This quote has been thrown about for years. It seems to be highlighted more as gas prices rises. And guess no one has ever bought into the quote fully. Just go to any store. There are more items available than ever before. And then there are plenty of drugs available to “curb” the feeling. I really do not want to get started on the lawyer ads on TV that promise “Hurt? Damaged? I can make you whole again. Minus 30% in the small print.”

It is all about how you process the experience. What insights you draw out. The only people who seem to be voicing this are the comedians.

I listen to Marc Maron’s WTF? Podcast. Or Doug Stanhope albums. There is a degree of Pathos to their work but instead of hiding from it they decide to air it out. There is a degree of honesty to their work. You may not fully agree with them but you have to admit they make you think about your own positions. But right now it seems everyone wants to “draw sides” rather than think of the potential “possibilities” that may exist. The outcry for people like that is to “Be nice”. Which is ridiculous. Because “Nice” rarely equates to “Funny”. Or even challenges people to even “think”.

There is one comedian I want to highlight and that is Louis CK. His own show on cable is that blend of humor and pathos that is somewhat based on his own life. His show is not formatted like your typical sitcom show. It has a slight experimental film quality to it. And it goes into some very “dark” spots to get to some humor. Most people rarely want to go there via any humor.

(NOTE: All the video clips in the rest of this post contain Explicit Language and Situations)

First, I want to show some examples of his work from his first show that was on for a season on HBO called Lucky Louie.

It is funny that his daughter will not accept the answers for the simple things but the complex one at the end she goes for.

I do not have kids. But I have watched my friends with theirs. And I can tell you. Even though they won’t admit it. The scenario and its reaction are very true.

His current series allows his real comedy and the action of the storyline to come together. Hulu and Netflix are streaming Season 1. I am catching up on Season 2 episodes as they are available on Hulu. I think I may get the DVD sets because this is show I can see myself watching over again trying to pick up on the nuisances of the show. Season 2 featured some good moments. I wish I could find the clips to share. There was when Louie meets up with Dane Cook and has to resolve their feelings towards each other. It is based on the real life saga where Dane Cook was accused of stealing Louis CK’s jokes. There was an episode where Joan Rivers consults him on the fact his career will have highs and lows and he cannot control when they will happen to him in his career. The best one was when Doug Stanhope starred as Eddie a comedian who started with Louie. However, his career did not pan out like Louie’s did and he is there to say “Goodbye” as he was going off to kill himself. There are laughs but against the drama it is a really good moment of Pathos. The other part, of the show is that Louie CK is willing to make himself the “butt of the joke”. He is willing to be the victim.

Here are some clips.



Lesson: Your friend should never be your doctor.

Lesson: TSA needs to lighten up.

Lesson 2: It takes a brave man to admit to his “failings” or admit to his “needs”.

Lesson: Men have to at some point make peace with their own “vitality”.

The following demonstrates how humor and openness can make a conversation go deeper than normal.

The following is a clip from an episode that is not available yet. Doug Stanhope guest stars as “Eddie” who was a comedian who started with Louie back when they were younger. However, “Eddie’s” career never really took off. He meets up with Louie to say “Goodbye” because he is going off to kill himself. This clip highlights Louis’ reaction to what he has heard from his friend. His response breaks away from what is considered typical TV drama reaction to the moment.

Here is a clip where Louis (in real life) responds to the nuisances of modern life.

Pathos and memories can really make you take that “Alice-in-Wonderland-Trip-Down-the-Rabbit-Hole”. And I am going to switch back to another song to close this out. I always thought this song from Tom Petty was about an “old girlfriend who will not go away”. But the more I listen to it the song my work on that level but I think it more about those memories (that we all have) that never seem to come to a definitive resolutions in our minds. Plus the video uses the “Alice in Wonderland” motif.



Quick advice. The best thing to do with your old yearbooks is to let them collect dust.

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Snap, Crackle, Pop

Posted on March 29, 2012 by foley

And not necessarily in that order.

 

I would rather start my days with caffeine via coffee. I hate to kick start the morning with adrenaline via anger as a result of other people’s “issues”.

Some days life’s “flavor” is a bit of a lacking feeling.

Yesterday had to start as one of “those” mornings. And there was not enough coffee in me to deal with it. It was an “FML” moment that I wished I could have avoided. My co-workers were arguing more than normal and earlier than usual. I will spare the details because they are really stupid and had nothing to do with me personally. However, one of the “combatants” later tried to recruit me to his “side” of the fray. I tried to be nice and said, “Leave me out of this one”. He kept going. I kept repeating. He kept going. Finally, I had to yell, “I DO NOT care one way or the other about it! SO leave me the FUCK out of it!” And now he is mad at me.

I realized now how hard it is to be Switzerland when it comes to world conflict. That country must secretly drink a lot and take a lot of aspirin on top of it in order to detail with the International Community. They must hide it in the cheese and the chocolate they are known for. But they are also known for the Swiss Army Knife. So I wonder about all of that.

There is a thin between sanity and insanity. You can see how easy it can be nudged from one side into the other.

There are reasons why a certain scene in a movie “strikes a chord” with an audience. The scene takes an everyday occurrence that people can relate to and amps the drama of it a bit.

I had one of those movie related moments recently. So let me set up the scene.

I have a bad habit that I need to break from. I usually try to run an errand or two on my lunch break. I really do not like to eat lunch in the break room. You will more than likely get interrupted by a co-worker or the delivery bell staying there. Plus it is not a good place to read or even attempt to write. It made me realize something “dark” about human nature. The more critical a person is the less likely they are to be actually doing something. So I try to get away for an hour every day. I have to get things done when I can. However, I am in the bad habit of fast food convenience. The other day, I stopped at a drive thru place and got a cheeseburger. It was the worse. I have never gotten a burger like this before. The burger came loaded with condiment/sauce ratio of about 1:1. It should have come with a spoon to eat it or sponge to clean it up. And to add insult to injury it was served on a stale bun. I could have gone back to argue with a manager over quality. So I could hear the standard, “This has never happened before”. And other “Blah. Blah. Blah” standard replies. So I could be rewarded with vouchers of more food from them. In a way it is kind of like giving the sniper a second chance after missing you the first time.

And then I remember this scene from the 1993 movie Falling Down. It is the story of divorced and unemployed man played by Michael Douglas who is pushed to far by society and decides he will not be pushed around by daily stressors in life.



I would never react like he did. But I understand.

Who says, “I can’t resist temptation”?

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